Follow up/Hatching Day Reflections in New Beginnings

Thank you to those who commented on my previous post. You each provided some thoughts and perspectives I hadn’t really considered. I suppose my affections die hard. She and I were very close friends, so letting go is hard. Well, “letting go” might not be the best phrase; “forgetting” might be better, but even that isn’t a fair way to look at it because forgetting is impossible. All the memories I share with her are a part of me just as much as one of my limbs. One of you very accurately brought that notion to my attention.

In my own mind as I’ve analyzed what happened, I sort of concluded that she was full of it, and I’m at fault for not seeing it. Let me explain. A lot of people “say” they don’t want a relationship when they don’t really mean it. I think it’s more of a insecurity issue. If someone is alone, and he or she doesn’t want to be alone, that person might interpret that the solitude means something is wrong with him or her. Maybe no one wants him because he’s too homely, too fat, too skinny, too boring, too dumb, too poor, too socially inept, or any other bad qualities he doesn’t know how to change. He might be alone because he’s a loser. However, if he’s alone by choice, then he’s effectively shielded himself from all those other toxic thoughts. He’s alone because he wants to, not because he’s forced to. Even if it isn’t true, as long as he can convince himself such is the case, that emotional armor becomes effective.

However, often times, convincing ourselves to believe a lie like that means repeating it enough times, both to ourselves and others. Of course, all those negative thoughts aren’t true because finding someone has more to do with finding someone who clicks with you, someone you almost naturally connect to. I mean, think about how many people you know said they didn’t want a relationship, and a few weeks later they were dating someone. If everyone who said they weren’t interested in a serious relationship weren’t kidding themselves, I suspect almost no one would be dating anyone. They always explain their change the same way, “It just sort of happened.” That’s what Anya said. She didn’t want a relationship, then it just randomly happened.

Like I said, I’m inclined to believe she was actually like 90% of the rest of human beings who want to be loved by someone but say they don’t to protect themselves from being vulnerable and possibly getting hurt. Of course, I don’t really know. Maybe she was just being a tease. Maybe she was just a natural flirt and all the hugs and arm touches and coquettish jokes were meaningless things she did without realizing them. Maybe she never like me and was stringing me along. I guess I’ll never really know, but I still wish I had said something. Maybe my analysis is correct and I would have been the one to help her realize what she really wanted. Maybe we would have dated for a while, broken up, and I would have experienced even more heart break than I did. Maybe upon hearing how I felt, she would have laughed at me then spit in my face. Even if she did that, I think knowing for sure would be better than not knowing. Besides, in hindsight, saying you don’t want anyone to depict yourself as a rugged loner doesn’t make you tough. Being able to be vulnerable, get hurt, but recover and carry on makes you tough, but enough about all that.

I am 33 today. I’m hoping this is the year that things flip. You see, my twenties started very promising. I was in school, making excellent grades, I had a lot of promise, but things slowly degraded. My mom died, my dad had an emotional break down, then a brain injury, I had to sacrifice my career aspirations, I lost my job in the recession, and so forth. Even when I turned thirty and found my current job, I still spent the following years coping with all that grief. I think things may turn around, though, like the corresponding high is coming to offset all those years of lows. For one, I’m working on a project that will automate the hardest part of my job. If I can do that, three days of misery every quarter will be over in a few hours in one day. More so, if I can automate that task, I can probably automate my other tasks and have a lot less stress and a lot more free time.

I also may have figured out how to buy a house in the next couple of years. I was able to pay cash for my current condo. Not having any debt is awesome, but I thought I’d have to undergo the hassle of selling my current home before buying my next home. However, apparently I can get a bridge loan, which will use my current residence as collateral for a loan, use that loan combined with my savings to buy the house I want, then use the proceeds from selling my condo to pay back the loan.

Perhaps my office will let me telecommute, and with most of my work automated, I can stay home and make out with my future wife all day. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for. For today, I think I’m going to celebrate by baking some five-layer bars.