Brown eyes in All Good Things

I have a thing for brown eyes (I’m green-eyed, myself). Let’s call somebody else L. He has the most enormous, most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen and I melt in them every time. Soft, sooooo soft. I didn’t know a person’s eyes could be that soft. Especially when on stage he can be so hard and cruel, or so nerdish and stupid, depending on which character he’s playing. But then he comes off and those eyes gaze at me and take over the world.

Last night was sad. It was the final show that E was playing the character that brought us together, and I feel like I’m losing a real live person: E as Brad. We fell in love through Brad, and I’m going to miss Brad badly…the straight version of E, who E used to flirt with and seduce me even before we got to know each other, in a way he obviously never does as himself. As himself, he’s warm, bubbly and full of hugs and love, but as Brad in those tiny white shorts.....wow. Thank you, universe, for giving me Brad for the past four months.

E has brown eyes too, startling beneath his golden hair, but they’re not as melting as L’s. L is also gay, fortunately, which means we’re also free to indulge in the strange chemistry of cells needing to touch cells. He and I took a while to get to know each other (unlike with E where he flung his arms around me in our very first conversation), but once we finally broke the ice, it’s become equally impossible to stay away from each other. I really want to understand this.

There’s another L, call him LM, who I also adore, and we’re friends and we hug every time we see each other, but we hug because it’s what dancers do. There’s no NEED within it. I love him dearly, love talking to him, he’s very warm and endearing and I hope we’ll remain friends for life, but unlike with S, E and L, I wouldn’t mind if I never touched him again. I wouldn’t feel deprived. With the other three, though, I feel a constant pull and I would go anywhere in the world just for one moment of their arms wrapped around me, their lips pressed against my skin.

I don’t understand it. I thought that kind of thing only happened if you were sexually attracted to someone, but I’m not, remotely, to E or L. And the thing is, they feel it too. Each one of them seems to crave that touch as much as I do. They’re the ones who come running to me, oblivious to who else might be around, who can’t rest until they have me securely pressed against them.

It’s starting to freak me out a little bit. This need. For the physical. Just to be touching specific bodies. Skin to skin. Eyes falling into each other.

I don’t think I know what to do with it when it’s not sexual. I always knew what to do with that, but with E and L there’s no aspect of that at all, and with S there can’t be, so.... So....what?

I’d ask will it last once we’ve been away from each other for a while, as we will after this week, but it lasted with S, four bloody months it lasted and was only so much stronger because of the gap and it kind of terrifies me because I should be staying away from him, I tried so hard during all that time we spent together last year overseas, I was so careful and he was so careful and we made sure we were always surrounded by people whose presence would keep us apart and I KNOW I CAN’T GO NEAR HIM but I’m going to see him next week anyway. Because he looked at me through those golden eyes I love so much, the eyes I spent most of last year gazing into, and asked me to come and I couldn’t say no.

If only he were gay and we could cling to each other as much as we want to.