Following on from yesterday's events. in Life In The Now.

So further to yesterday’s entry, we will be going to the hospital on Thursday 12th March 2015

As the pregnancy is under nine weeks it means that she will go for an appointment tomorrow to take one pill, that begins the process and then on Thursday we’ll go to the hospital for the final procedure that will terminate the pregnancy.

My how it all sounds so ‘clinical’.

She sent me a message today to tell me I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to, in her own words. A get out of it card because the appointment wasn’t even mine, but I’ve declined that offer and I’ll be going with her. I don’t want her to go through that alone. I know perhaps 9 weeks isn’t a lot to some people and the truth is I think when I used to think about all of this prior to this, it wasn’t to me.

It was a case of thinking that it didn’t really matter and a little face pulling from me; however this entire incident has kind of given me a new perspective on things. I’d like to thank my mind and its persistent thinking of endless possibilities, scenario’s, outcomes, what I could give and what I will inevitably deny someone from having.

It’s a horrible, sinking feeling that you never quite imagine yourself having until it’s there, sometimes I view things as ‘winning or losing’ but sometimes in life there is only losing. No one wins here. I deny someone life and the other flip side is that I look at some people in my life that would kill for kids and here I am terminating one. I feel I am the definition of a bastard.

I know I’ve given this more thought than a lot of guys would. I think the choice here deserves to be considered from all angles and I’ve racked my brain relentlessly for some way to make this entire thing easier but there isn’t one is there? We know that come Thursday I’ll hate myself but I don’t have a choice here and I just need to learn to deal with it. I will, I always do don’t I? That’s sort of my raison d’etre when it all comes down to it.

I’ll keep things updated.
G