Dropped the ball big time. in Life In The Now.

A sensitive subject has arisen and I’ve been skating around it and avoiding it all week.

I began seeing a girl in November of last year, this was a very casual thing and nothing serious at all, to be honest I’m not sure what even made me pursue the entire thing; the truth is I think I was a little lonely and so was she.

We discussed about long term goals etc. before anything began and both agreed there wasn’t going to be anything in the near future, she actually broke it off with me mid-February anyway, anyway without going into everything she was 8 weeks as pregnant as of 06/03/2015.

The current route this entire course is taking is down the route of an abortion and I’ll know more about that from tomorrow in terms of an appointment for it.

I’m not being proud, cocky or arrogant about any of this; the truth is I am genuinely terrified. I don’t want to be a father. I’m not ready and the truth is I don’t think I ever will be, at least not in the mind set I am currently in.

Losing my mum has taken a big toll on me and I’ve buried it down deep and not really dealt with a lot of it. If she were here I’d have asked her what to do and it’s a possibility I’d have wanted to keep and try to make it work, she wanted grand kids but it never really entered my mind to want them, have that responsibility or anything like that, it’s just something I never envision with myself. I thought about it but it would probably only be a possibility with two women and no I’m not sleeping with either of them, nor have I done, they are just friendships that could bloom if the circumstances were right so don’t think I’m sleeping around or something. I’m really not.

My mum would have guided me here and she’d have slapped me into place and I can even see how happy she would have been with a grandchild in her life. Now though, now that she’s gone I don’t want a kid, with my closest relatives probably only having a few years left as well due to poor health I would be on my own and the truth is I think I’ve probably got about 20 years or 30 at most give or take left in me if I look at the family history of things.

Now though, life looks much more different. I tried to come out the other side with this positive attitude and in some ways I’ve improved a lot but in other ways I guess I just see where I’ll end up and a kid doesn’t need to be a part of that. I don’t think I’d be a good father when it is all said and done.

The girl I was seeing already has one kid, she doesn’t have a solid family network and isn’t well off, she struggles with a lot of things financially and a second kid is going to add to that burden. I don’t want a committed relationship because this was a casual thing but the truth is, she isn’t the one for me and I’m not the one for her either, we’ve had that chat and it’s just a fact of life, sure enough we’re friends but we aren’t going to live together and we aren’t all of a sudden have this blissful life together and the majority of the responsibility would all come down to her.

She kept me away from her other kid to avoid any confusion and that is fair, so it would just be one big mess to introduce me now as daddy number 2 but of his brother or sister. I also know that a relationship with her would mean taking on this kid, so not only would I have my own new born but her other kid as well and if it didn’t work out then how is that fair to him?

I know how much of a pity party on me this sounds, I hate being this neurotic but it’s where I am at.

If she changes her mind and has the kid, the truth is I don’t think I’m going to be able to cope with it. I genuinely don’t know what I will do; my emotions are running way to high when I think of an in 9 month’s scenario. Having this baby makes life way to complicated not only for her, but for kid and myself so I have to hope she does follow through with this decision off purely logical reasoning.

Then I hate myself for putting her and myself in this situation. I hate that I am in self-interest if we’re being honest about it choosing to terminate because I’m not grown up enough at the age of 29 to handle the thought of having a kid and so instead I choose a cowardly option that has a lasting effect on both hers and my life.

The other side that I hate is that I in fact have no choice in this at all and if she decides to keep or abort I do not get a say in it either way because that’s the way it goes but you can bet that it’s all about money if she does have the baby and that is then forced upon me, it’s a petty thing I am aware and not really the root cause of my anger but just something else my mind has considered in all of this.
I guess tomorrow I’ll have a better idea of what is going to happen.

G