Another entry!
I had the weirdest night with the Bulldog last night. It was icy and snowy outside and I didn’t want to go anywhere that was not a walkable distance, so the Bulldog was accommodating and came over and we walked around downtown until we found a place to eat (after scoping out several places).
We talked about some additional places we may have wanted to check out, and there’s one Asian restaurant close by that I told him I didn’t even want to try because I’d had a very weird experience there several years ago.
Long story, but he wanted me to tell him about ti. It was when I was moving back to [my city] and was apartment hunting and met a total stranger who took me out for drinks and I got too drunk to drive home and had to spend the night at his place. Later I found out that the guy was engaged and it was such a fucked up night.
That led to the Bulldog telling me stories about old crazy girlfriends while we were finally sitting down to dinner. I don’t know why it struck me so deeply the way it did, but I felt all kinds of jealous hearing about his old loves. This is not the first time I’ve felt this strange jealousy and I think it’s because it seems like he was passionate about these women from his past, yet not passionate about me.
I broke down a little bit at the end of dinner - it was strange and uncomfortable. I actually alluded to the fact that I am in love with him, but didn’t outright come out and say it, and at that point, I didn’t DARE ask him how he felt about me.
He soothed me and we went back to my place and had pretty amazing sex and I let him come inside me (no protection) and I don’t really know why, but it just felt right at the time.
This morning it was weird and I was hungover, so we walked the dog and then went back to sleep for the rest of the morning. Went out for a late breakfast and had a really great conversation about luck versus hard work versus cheating your way to success. It was a continuation of the conversation we’d had the night before. See, the part of the conversation that got me most upset is thinking about how some people just fall into their successes - be they work or relationship-wise.
Yeah, I know it’s not living in the moment, but we were able to swing it that way.
The rest of the afternoon I spent poring over old OD entries. I haven’t changed much except for the fact that I’m not as much of a jet-setter and I don’t go out as much. I’m still just as neurotic and hard on myself as I ever was.
Boy…those were the days and I didn’t even see it.
Better go get in the shower now. It’s after 6PM and I haven’t even washed the sex off from the night before. Ew. Sorry.
Love,
GS
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