The best. in On loves.
- Feb. 4, 2015, 12:32 p.m.
- |
- Public
My bedroom is full of ants. Tiny ants that I thought were sugar ants, only they don’t eat the poison-laced honey I leave for them. Just now, I flicked one off my keyboard. I’ll wake up at 11 on a lazy, sunshiny morning and absentmindedly roll an ant body between my finger and my neck. It’s grotesque. I don’t know what the fuck they want. The last time I had sex in my bedroom, I saw myself in the mirror. Are those ants on my back?! He brushed them off and pulled me to him.
He. He comes to my princess birthday party, wears a princess crown out to the bar, even when none of my girlfriends will. “You’re cute,” he says all night. “Why are you so cute?”
It’s a few weeks ago and we’re texting late at night when we decide to meet at the top of a hill midway between our homes for a midnight outside sex sesh. The city glitters beneath us and then I’m on my back, and all I see is him against the stars and if it weren’t for the rocks beneath my spine, I’d think we were fucking in outer space.
He’s looking at me and he blurts out, “I fucking love you.”
I don’t acknowledge it, assuming he misspoke, like, “This is so fucking cool - you’re awesome!” or maybe he meant, “I love fucking you!” or maybe he meant, “I fucking love you” the way some people might “fucking love pizza.”
But sometimes, when we’re snuggled up and he kisses the tip of my nose, or when I say something that makes him burst out laughing, or when he offers to let me wear his extra mouthguard to bed when I’ve forgotten mine at home (and I accept without hesitation), when I’m thinking, “I fucking love you,” I wonder if maybe that’s what he meant to after all, too.
It’s been nearly six months and we’re not officially together. My girlfriends think I should have a “the talk” with him. My brother thinks it’s fair to ask what he’s looking for. My mother wants to know if he wants to have babies. They can keep their questions, their concerns, their preoccupations with the possibilities for the future. I don’t know what we have or where it’s going or what he wants, but I’m happy. It’s a good place to be.
Last updated February 04, 2015
Waiting For Sunrise ⋅ February 04, 2015
You're right, it doesn't need to be defined... it sounds perfect how it is, right now.
Deleted user ⋅ February 04, 2015
I am so happy for you. For both of you.
Satine ⋅ February 04, 2015
Love the idea of meeting up for the outdoor sex date!
.stars. ⋅ February 04, 2015
sometimes no questions and not wondering or thinking and just doing doing doing is the right thing and those are the things that usually work.
damienne ⋅ February 05, 2015
this is pretty much certified fucking adorable. i'm happy for you
fairy_tale ⋅ February 05, 2015
i've had ants before. it nearly seriously drove me crazy. i think i still flick them off me sometimes 9 years later.
whatever you have with this guy sounds so lovely. this is the type of thing people should be looking for rather than a relationship, a commitment or a label. so happy you are happy <3
Paper Cut Scenario ⋅ February 08, 2015
Fucking in outerspace would probably be the ultimate.
Thrice ⋅ March 14, 2015
'What do they fucking want' lol