I don't need sympathy, I need conclusions. in Other life events.

I don’t know where to start with this entry, not updated in around 2 months so I’ll start around Christmas.

Ray decided to turn up Christmas eve, went out with her and was instantly thrown into a socially awkward situation where we went for drinks and her friends where there, i stayed maybe 30 minutes and got Syrina to call and bail me out so i had an excuse to leave. It’s not something I’m proud of but i couldn’t breathe in there, sat there while she talked to her friends and i sat their like i am made from terracotta. She’s gone to Borneo for charity work for 3 months and then she’s going back to Wales so i won’t be seeing her again for a long time i think.

Christmas was generally a depressing period, in fact that depression has dragged on until this very moment, my emotions are ignorant in that aspect where i can feel fine for months and then suddenly I’ll enter a 6 month depression where i don’t even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

Syrina came over for new years for around a week or so, it was nice and was kind of a shock to the system of being alone all the time. Human contact which i can actually converse with and feel comfortable around, too comfortable some might think, if their is ever a next time i should probably distance myself more; not that i see it happening as of current events, but I’ll come to that later.

I keep having nightmares, waking up at 2 or 3am in a sweat with my heart pounding, time is moving quickly and everyone is changing and moving on with their life. Everybody but me.

I feel like everyone is ever changing and i am the only person who remains true to myself, i don’t even think it’s a good thing anymore. Perhaps it’s time i just do what everyone else does and fake confidence, fake my personality, take up sociable substance abuse and just join the plastic society with everyone else.

I keep waking up having nightmares of someone dying, or someone having a fatal illness, i think the past 3 times it’s been someone meeting their demise by cancer. It’s actually horrible, to the point where i feel like someone may actually die because it feels too real.

The past month my friends have been distant as usual, they all have their own things going on.

Sean spends all his time with his girlfriend, haven’t seen him in weeks, he messaged me a few days ago asking if we had fell out since i refused to reply to messages for once and didn’t attempt to create conversation.

Adam seems depressed, not to mention he works a lot. Not a lot to comment on their, moving into a new house is stressful and you can hear the tension in the house when you speak to him and his girlfriend comes home, not spoke to him this week really.

Syrina has new friends and is only interested in spending time with them even though she claimed 2 weeks ago that it wasn’t the case and she was going to change. I can only classify myself as feeling boring now here and can’t blame her for finding some people who are more entertaining. Story of my life much?

Ray’s in Borneo so i guess we can give her a break, she’s always been distant but never this distant. Every time i see her she’s a new person with new aspirations and dreams; It’s weird seeing someone you feel alienated too when you used to be so symmetrical. That being said I’m proud of her, she used the last 9 years of herself to change into someone completely different, i however spent mine failing at any attempts to better myself and remained the same.

I sent off for a new drivers license since i lost my old one and told Sean i will be coming the unit next week to work on the car for the first time in over a month. I quit the gym because i don’t go enough also. I don’t know what i want anymore I’m trying my hardest but I’m losing the ability to even think straight anymore without wanting to just curl up in a ball. I feel like I’m cursed, perhaps I’m just meant to be alone. I always make the mistake of letting people in and thinking they understand and care and then they leave, i feel like a fool and an idiot. Maybe i just need to accept who i am, or go with option 2 which is just being the fakest person i can be, take drugs to cope and be everything i’ve always hated.

Any advice is welcome of course, i feel like i’m swimming upstream.