A Day After Therapy Thursday, April 20, 2006
I keep looking at the scratches on my arm from my night of drinking. I get an almost embarrassed feeling everytime I look at it. Then I feel thankful that it happened. I needed to see the harm I am causing myself. The bruises on my left side are almost gone and so are the scratches on my arm. I kind of wish I could keep them there forever. That way every time that I want to drink I can look at the scratches and remember what happens to me when I drink. However, even now that I see them fading, and feel the bruises less and less, I feel the need to stop drinking fading with them.
I won't be drinking soon. That I know.
My therapist told me that when someone is in a blackout, they are still walking and talking to people. This I didn't know. I figured when I blacked-out I went unconscious and fell asleep. This is not necessarily true. I just wonder what happened with me on Friday. To me, it's a strange phenomenon for the human mind to be physically working and talking and exchanging ideas with people, and not really be conscious. It's almost like an awake dream. That is why when they are in a blackout they are talking nonsense and doing things they normally don't do. It's because they are basically unconscious.
Anyway. I am off to bed.
Her
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Yeah I find it fascinating too! Hypnotism is also a fascinating process, but also kinda scary to me... how do you know what the hypnotist is programming your mind to think? They have lots of power over you.
Thank you for the note on my poem. I know what you mean, and agree, but sometimes I get kinda obsessive that my poems are perfect... thanks for the advice! x x x [.blazin.roses.chick.]
4/21/2006 4:11:26 PM
Take a photo of those scars to remind you. There are other scars you cannot see. It is not an easy road to travel. I hope you have positive and understanding support. [Holy_Smokes!] 4/22/2006 11:41:40 AM
Oh wow you are so right... how much I would love to have the day you described. It would be like heaven. But I'm realistic- I know I'm never going to be freed from this way of thinking. It's a part of me, and I guess it's just something I'm going to have to live with. The way I am, I don't want to give it up...I'm scared of not thinking like that.. it would be like giving up breathing. x x x [.blazin.roses.chick.] 4/24/2006 4:58:11 PM
I know the feeling. Usually I can maintain but every once in awhile I go into blackout mode and something bad always happens on that level. I wish I was ready to stop drinking, but I'm not. It's really sad the things we put ourselves through, huh? [kluv] 4/25/2006 10:08:48 AM
Wow. I thought that what it was was that you were conscious (well, sort of, being really really drunk) but then the effects of the alcohol wiped out your memory. Either way, it's not good. [wingèd medusa]
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