Just One Thing Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I am suppsed to resort to this place (this diary) to get my feelings out. That's what theropy is for too. However, I have stopped doing it altogether. I never say when I am upset. I never say when I am sad. I just excist on this planet like I am not even here. So finally everything blew up at work today. I just broke down. That was at 4pm. I have been off and on crying ever since. (it's 8:30pm)
I am so angry at this world. I am mad because it doesn't matter what I do or where I go or who I am with or what is happening. Nothing matters in my life. There is no reason for me to be here. I try and try and try to make a name for myself... I just can't. There is nothing inside of me that has any worth. I struggle at everything I do. Nothing comes easy for me. I feel stupid. I feel hated. I feel unloved. I feel utterly worthless.
I want so much for something to be worthwhile in my life. You know, something that matters. Something that can make me have a reason to get up in the morning.
It takes me forever to play the same song on the piano as it takes my cousin/roommate 1 hour. I hate that. Piano was supposed to be MY thing. It was supposed to be what I can do that he can't. Instead, it's just another fucking thing that he does better than me. I love the piano. I do. When I play the piano nothing else matters. It's a feeling I get inside of me that can calm me. But, I can't play anything that anyone would want to listen to. That isn't completely true, but it just feels like it's never enough. It took me about 6 months to learn to play Solefigetto. SIX FUCKING MONTHS. Why can't I learn it in one month? Why can't I understand the staff like other pianist? Why do I still have to know that Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge? Why can't I just "see" the notes on the staff? Why is everything so fucking hard in this world for me?
I want something that no one else has... or at least no one around me has. I want to be able to sing, or dance, or learn, or spell words better than the average. I want to be above average in ANYTHING. It doesn't even matter what anymore. I am tired of being plain-old-boring- me.
I want a man that loves me. That doesn't think I am fucked up. That holds me at night. That kisses me. That doesn't lie to me and fuck some other woman. I want to be special to him. I want him to be glad that I am in his life. I want to be glad that he is in my life. I want him to father my children. I am almost 31 and I have no man in my life. How the Hell am I supposed to have a family if I can't even get a man to love me!? Am I really that old, ugly, and bitter? Is this truly what I have become? When did all this happen? When did everything fall apart? How the Hell do I put it all back together? And better yet.... WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I SPEND THE TIME REPAIRING IT? For what? I mean , really.... what is there out there that is worth anything?
I see people coming and going all day long with their children. I see people kissed by their significant others. I see babies laughing and people smiling and I think "How do I get that lucky? Where do I have to be to get that? Who do I have to talk to? Will that ever be me?"
I don't think I am asking too much. I just need to have just one thing. I just need one thing in my life to live for.
Anything.
Her
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Bit of a bad day then. Sorry. Hope tomorrow is better. [lambert02] 4/12/2006 9:03:07 PM
"...I am tired of being plain-old-boring- me.".......wow, yes, a bad day, cheer up! U R beautiful, funny, smart, U can write some amazing stuff that I have been reading for years! the fact that U can read music and play piano is awesome! ...and if I was closer I'd volunteer to help U out with the "physical" things in life U want! ;-) Need a vacation??? Chadfound [how to ride a buss] 4/14/2006 1:38:18 PM
Got to your diary from the front page.
I wish for you to love and like yourself and accept yourself.
[Holy_Smokes!]
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