my weak end in Sometimes I feel dead inside

i’ve been under the weather this week. not sleeping well. i’m trying to not to fall into being depressed. maybe its this temporary loneliness, maybe is the circumstances i find myself in. i’m going to a wedding i don’t want to go to. i used to care a great deal about this girl who’s getting married. now i kept myself from getting too emotionally attached, i never allowed myself to do it. though it would’ve worked out for a while until her lack of self control pushed me over the edge. but her getting married is the problem, it causes self reflection. i am no where near getting married, i have a bunch of women that i keep at hands reach but none worth letting in. yeah i hang out with the wrong women, yeah i know this. i have for years. i’m just bored of it all. i’m tired of the random sex, i’m tired of maintaining the game. maybe its just i’m not having fun anymore. that’s all i want, someone to be worth having the adventure with, someone who everyday is an adventure with. or even just to do the boring stuff with, watch movies, eat meals, do laundry with. give me a reason to wake up with a smile. whenever i feel like i’m not getting what i want i always look internally first, maybe its me, maybe theres something i have to improve in myself first. there always is, i do aim to try and get better. i think i’ve made too much of a priority out of women right now. this does happen from time to time, maybe its just reviewing the year and looking back at the number of women who haven’t been able to reach my heart. it disappoints me, but maybe my mindset is wrong. who knows all this self reflection and insomnia might be making me insane.