when you love someone... in Riverdale

Couldnt stop thinking about some bullshit my ex put me through before. But now that its kind of out of my head I don’t really want to rehash it.

I went to my moms for dinner. It was okay. Good to know I’m not the only one going through bullshit. And seeing my moms state I can tell that at least I’m dealing w my bullshit better than I thought I was. Sometimes its that perspective that helps.

I was venting to my mom about ppl letting me diwnnd she kind of annoyed me a bit by leep stressing about how others see feeling and making excuses for their behaviour. But I kind of internalized it a bit when she goes on about how people just snap and basically I shouldn’t ask for help because others have things that they don’t say and all that. And I just feel like most of the time w ppl In my life its a god damn cop out for others to take their bullshot out on me and if they can’t handle me asking for support they should just tell me ill understand.

Bc the thing w me is that I DO have a therapist and I DO call crisis lines but sometimes its nice to feel u can talk to a close friend or family instead of someone who is so impartial or impersonal all the time. Not for advice or that I expect them to say the perfect thing but that they care and can relate.

I was kind of mad at my friend today bc I kind of reached out her and she just kept suggesting I call a help line. I felt brushed off and not important even if that wasn’t her intention. I mean we’ve had times where we have talked w eachother for hours about things both venting and relating. Also ive been there when she called me almost in tears feeling alone and I was there no question.

Youre tired? Cool
Busy? Cool
Don’t know exactly what to say? Cool

Just specifically tell me that instead of being passive aggressive and making me feel like I should just know and feel guilty for reaching out.

She warned up a bit after I kept kind of challenging her suggestions to just call a help line when I was pretty explicit about not wanting to. I guess I shouldve just backed off but I felt let down either way.

Its not like I don’t know her or I’ve never been there for her. It felt cold and impersonal. Esp when she said she rarely uses them anymore.

I just felt it was condescending.

Guess I should watch myself. But I really had no one else to talk to in that moment.

But the moments done and we are ok now and the feelings have subsided.

But it just solidifies my belief in my life that no one is really there for me emotionally and lovingly in the end. I can’t really count on someone to care enough to tell me that they can’t talk or show much concern for me.

Reasons aside why they cant. Deep dowm iv e always known and experienced that ppls support has always been quite conditional and inconsistent and for the most part I am comming to terms with that. But it still hurts.

Ppl leave. Abandon me. Turn away when things get too hard. And leave me cold instead of explaining themselves which leads me to beliebelieve they never really cared much In the first place or that they cannot bond properly

I used to believe I could not bond with ppl. But I’ve realized I’m pretty ride or die. I am a loyal person sometimes to ppl who didn’t always fu lly deserve it. When I love someone I love them I am loyal loving passionate and there for them. I am sentimental and my love is unconditional but unfortunately I’ve run Into a lot of people who aren’t the same and run and change friends and partners like dirty clothes. It hurts me it angers me.

But it seems like character is becoming a thing of the past. And everything is ablut status opportunism looks and money. And not truly about loyalty trust consistency communication chemistry passion honesty commitment.

I know that I could be commited to someone with someone worth that commitment. But I am a pretty good judge of character and most the guys I met ain’t shit as well as most of the people I meet as friends. I can tell they’ll change on a dime than blame you for protecting urself.

For me its just about survival mostly I guess.

Having the time w people in my life makes me realize how important my time alone is to recharge.

Anyways downloaded a cool app to my phone its pretty old but its called songza it creates playlists depending on what you are doing and how you are feeling etc. I get tired of listening to my own music so it’s nice to discover some new music or listen to some songs I’ve never heard in awhile sometimes when I find someone I really like special like a new one I love finding new music I get obsessed with the song and I play it over and over and over again