Yeah, I know I have been posting more often. Having the time to do so is such a gift! I am more relaxed than I have been in so long. I can’t remember when the last time was. Three or four years at least. Carlo is too. He is beside me on his back with his belly fully exposed, safe, well fed, and completely at ease.
I am still going through the cycles of heartbreak, but yesterday when chatting before the practice with a private student I realized that in the moment I was actually fine. Just fine.
What on earth was I doing getting involved in a relationship when I was so exhausted and stressed out, I could barely see straight is a question I will continue to ponder, but I don’t have any regrets. Pockets of feeling mildly embarrassed, but no regrets.
On Monday morning, fairly early, before working out I decided what the heck, what are self-imposed rules for if not to be broken and I acknowledged I was probably starting the craving clock again.
In talking to Mrs. Sherlock on Saturday about Mr. B. I realized that while I felt good about how I wrestled some sense of agency back by my slightly formal “let’s call it here” email that I shared here with you all, what I wanted to communicate was how deeply I cared for him. Yeah, a fling, but a deep and meaningful one.
I wouldn’t say this to him, because I don’t want to give him that much credit but for me a life changing one.
So, I texted him, “I know this is breaking the rules I made up but I just wanted to say I miss you so much. Not asking for anything. Just sayin’.”
Then I put on my headphones and got some cardio and an hour later. “Hi. Doing fine and I am sorry things did not work out.”
He went on to briefly say he was dealing with getting through a thing imposed on him for his release. Something I knew was coming up. I responded, again briefly that I wanted him to know that he genuinely touched my heart. He is a Pisces. My understanding is that they feel things deeply.
And that, as they say, is that.
Hot still from my communication disaster with Walt I got the message loud and clear. Mr. B. has absolutely no bandwidth available for me.
I am a giving person. I spend my days focused on other people. Hips, knees and shoulders, oh my. Give me arthritic hands. I have a video I need to make about that. No. Darn it all.
I need to hang with people that care for and are interested in me. Equally of course. I would never not ask after someone. And both Walt and Mr. B. have not asked after me.
Chuffed I was, fresh from the no apologies mindset, that I did not reply to Mr. B. with a supportive note about the thing he is currently going through. He has a whole phalanx of social worker type people and church ladies to help him with that. It ain’t me babe. No, no no it ain’t me.
But it is amazing how those simple words offered genuinely on a Monday morning made a difference. in how I was feeling. I am sorry it didn’t work out. So am I, oh so am I.
Now though I have a problem. He woke up all this stuff in me. And I want more of it, only better, with a relatively healthy individual that is actually interested in me. I am, after all, an interesting person. I am not going to “date”. It is not going to happen. If I am ever going to find someone else to hang out with it has to be via an affinity group or activity. Ugh.
It is the wanting that hurts. With Mr. B. it was the wanting more. Notice the past tense here. Go me.
In the meantime, I still have five more days of (mostly) vacation. If I nap through it that is okay.
I am only now acknowledging the full extent of my exhaustion.
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