It has been a weird couple of days. There’s nothing major going on. There is just this odd undercurrent. Like something is coming. I hate this feeling. Weird astrological forecasts are predicting some bad crap for the 4th of July, and the focus is on Los Angeles. With the World Cup going on, and large celebration events at the Coliseum, Rose Bowl, etc. there are going to be thousands of people crammed into these events, and the forecast predicts a large scale casualty event. No details otherwise.
It is said that this event may be a natural disaster- an earthquake. It is said that what does happen is that this event will be reported as one thing initially, and will be clarified to be something else later.
Needless to say, I am staying home. All weekend.
I had therapy the day before yesterday. I am 100% struggling with my mental health. My thoughts are on a constant loop, rehashing memories spanning my entire life. Every word, every action. Questioning my own memory, or lack thereof. Seeing instances, so many, where I was being a textbook case of “Quiet” Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t have the typical violent tendencies, or anger. My BPD type revolves more around needing and wanting to fit in, never feeling that way, and sometimes getting into, and staying in bad situations because I felt like no one else would want me around. I believed I deserved the abuse.
I am going through an awakening of sorts, and it has become quite painful. I can’t exorcise my skeletons if I am not even opening the closet doors. My goal is to be able to look at a memory, sit in it, and then tell myself, “Well THAT sucked.” Then I let it go. I have never worked THIS hard on improving my well-being. But I am determined.
Right now, I am trying to juggle this process in tandem with all of the everyday crap. I am frustrated by our financial situation, and I don’t know how to talk to Rick about it. He shuts down whenever I bring up money. I thought maybe it is MY approach. Have I said something that has made him like this, or does this pre-date us? I think it may be a bit of both.
I am thinking on my words and trying to come up with a way to make it more palatable. Rent will be late tomorrow. He has not gone to the bank, and has not mentioned where the rent is coming from. He mentioned that I should try to bank all of the money I am making, because in his words, “We’re gonna need it.”
Before anyone comes for me, please understand that I have SEVERE PTSD and anxiety tied to my last living situation. Bringing up hard topics is next to impossible for me. In some of my past relationships, namely those where I was living with a partner, my partners “handled the money”. What I mean by that is, I moved into their already established homes, and all of the utilities and the lease were under their names, or they owned their homes. I would come in and contribute my share directly to them. So budgets weren’t an issue. Also, I was not planning on marrying those folks. Not having discussions about money became the norm.
This avoidance is not sustainable. I am a problem solver and resource finder. I need to stand in that, and broach the subject, albeit gently. He is currently working on a friend’s 3d modeling project, very intently, mind you. He has headphones on, and has expressed he’s gonna be busy concentrating on this thing. So I will give him space until about noon. Then I am going to bring it up.
I had a really great sale come through yesterday. I sold a bundle of my daughter’s clothing from 2003. It was a collection from the now defunct Gymboree stores. Eighty-five dollars for ten pieces. The buyer is a collector, which is so cool to me. She asked about other items I might not have listed, and when she expressed interest in a few items I mentioned, I decided to just throw them in for free. She paid IMMEDIATELY. Then came a problem… my driver’s license is expired (it expired June 23rd) and this selling platform will not allow me to complete a transaction over fifty dollars without a valid license or ID. Great.
I knew I was going to have to come up with a solution that kept in mind that I am on a clock with the selling platform to get my order out in a timely manner. I am going to have to cancel the sale. I am still thinking about the final decision, but I think I will ask her to go on any of the other platforms I sell on, and I will make her a listing, and offer her free shipping.
Now the long term solution, renew my license. That’s money we don’t have. Rick says, do it. I will get the money. He reminded me of how inconvenient not having a valid ID can be. It is already causing issues. I try logging into my DMV account, but my log in info is all tied to my last living situation, and I do not have access to the email or phone number on my DMV account. I got very frustrated with how impossible this task was, so I decided to start fresh on my quest this morning.
I got up at seven, and was ready to call the DMV at 8:00, when they opened. I was prepared to wait for at least half an hour, so I settled into my chair with a cup of coffee and put my phone on speaker. I was shocked when I got to a live agent within TWO MINUTES! She was very dry, but ultra professional. She got everything I needed handled in a matter of five minutes. I had to change my address, so I cannot renew my license for three business days. Cool. Solution semi-acquired!
Speaking of solutions… I am trying very hard to demonstrate to Rick that I am dedicated to making improvements to my physical health. I called my new primary care doctor’s office and made an appointment so we can get the ball rolling. Rick was happy to hear me calling.
I want to spend the weekend working, if I can. I have a little momentum, and I want to keep that going. I have a ton of items to photograph today. It is a physically taxing process. I thought I had it figured out, but my lighting has not been great. I will work on correcting that in a bit.
I am planning on making rigatoni Bolognese tonight. I was going to make it last night, but it is pretty labor intensive, at least for me, instead, I opted for a lazy route. I had 1/4 of a bag of frozen chicken fritters, and a bag of salad. We had just purchased ten snack bags of Tillamook cubed cheese for one dollar, so I threw cheese into the salad. We had a couple of bottles of salad dressing, so I decided to use both. Ranch and balsamic vinaigrette. We also found my FAVORITE tortilla chips- Late July, in a flavor I have not tried- garlic herb. I crumbled a handful on the top of each salad. Dinner done.
Rick made THE most delicious and decadent nectarine sorbet in our electric ice cream maker. This thing is like twenty years old, but still cranks out consistently good ice cream and other frozen desserts. Rick has pretty much mastered the art of sorbet. We found a bag of VERY ripe nectarines at Smart and Final on the clearance shelf for a mere .99!
You would not believe my ability to find good deals. Grocery outlet has been amazing. I enjoy the challenge of finding deals, and then tailoring menus around what I get for next to nothing. I have learned, in the past few months, the skill of rationing. I have learned to make one onion stretch into four recipes. Sometimes, simple food is the best. I am learning to make meals stretch. I have had to conform to my current circumstances. Having to be frugal, I think, is different than choosing to be frugal.
I am grateful for every season. Even the tough ones.
The morning has gotten away from me! Now it is almost our lunch time, and I have not even begun to prepare for my photography task. UGH.
I hope you all have a fabulous, safe, and sane holiday weekend. FUN FACT: Did you know that THREE presidents have died on the 4th of July in a year ending in a 6. Here’s to hoping this holiday is EXTRA celebratory!
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