I have been fretting over whether or not my entry about therapy, and the issues I am dealing with makes me sound unwell or unstable. I am an open book, and I share my truth- good, bad, beautiful, ugly. I have always been this way. Putting it all out there. Even the dark little icky spots.
I am as ok as anyone right now, considering all of the crap going on in the world. There are a LOT of people hurting and going through difficulties.
I have been through many a struggle. Years of not having a stable home. Grief. The type of grief that you cannot get away from. Too many people. Too many unresolved problems. No time left for apologies or explanations. Just grief. And I only started seriously working through everything in therapy in the last three years.
There are many layers to my life. The same goes for the trauma I experienced throughout various stages of my journey. I can work on one issue, and get to the point that I feel healed from that wound, and then we dig a little deeper, and there’s more. But I work through it, and come out of the other end stronger, more resilient.
I am proud of the hard work we have done, my therapist and I. We have achieved a hell of a lot of healing, in a relatively short amount of time. Miles to go, but we’re well on our way.
I am so incredibly grateful that I have the access to mental health services. I know there are too many people out there that do not have that available. I am also grateful for a sense of stability. Finances are not great right now, but otherwise, we have a roof over our heads, and food to eat. That’s pretty damn great.
Enough of that.
Yesterday, we procured some groceries. We started at the Filipino church not far from our place. Two times a month, they offer free breakfast, and a food giveaway. We stopped in, and the pastor greeted us enthusiastically at our driver’s side window. He was eager to show us around, and offer us coffee and something to eat. I grabbed two wrapped sandwiches, and he guided us through the line of ladies filling a grocery bag with bread, a small package of Trader Joe’s snack cakes, bags of beans and split peas, small fruit cups, three lovely zucchini and three very large tomatoes that were PERFECT. They also gave us a large family sized pouch of beef stew.
For some reason, I don’t think they get very many people coming through. It may be their location. There is never a wait. Walk in, grab food, and you’re out within five minutes.
We were hungry, so the free breakfast was welcome. I unwrapped the sandwiches and discovered a double decker ham and cheese sandwich, just like my mom would have made. Soft wheat bread, mayo, mustard, two thin slices of ham and a disproportionately thicker slice of something akin to Velveeta sliced cheese. It was everything I wanted and needed, lol. Carbs, protein, nostalgia… SO GOOD.
We hit up our favorite spot, after not having been there for a couple of weeks. We only visit when we absolutely have to. It was very crowded when we arrived. Few places to sit. I was number 78 on the list and they were just calling the 20’s over. We settled in on a bench that surrounded the trunk of a tree. After about twenty minutes, a gentleman I had helped a few weeks ago came over and said, “Thanks for showing concern for me a few weeks ago.” I am bad with words on the fly so as I nodded, Rick spoke up for me and said, “Of course.”
A few weeks ago, we were waiting in the garden when he arrived, limping. He frantically looked for somewhere to sit, and not seeing an open spot, he sort of cried out in pain and frustration. Someone finally stood up and allowed him to sit. He and I had shared pleasantries in the past, and I wanted to make sure he was okay, so I walked over and talked with him, and tried to offer help. It was no big deal. I think compassion and concern for others is the bare minimum.
Anyway, Rick and I talked while we waited. It took a little longer than usual, but there were a lot of new faces- much younger faces. They were all there together and were a part of the LGBTQIA community. I wondered if they had been kicked out of their homes by parents, and were living at a youth shelter. When there are new people, they don’t grasp the concept of urgency. Usually people are called up every few minutes, but this was taking ten-fifteen minutes per client. I think it is kinda daunting in there at times, because it is VERY limited lately, and making decisions on what to choose and what you can do with it can be tough.
Yesterday, it was more limited than usual. No canned tuna or chicken. Only salmon. Only one kind of soup. Only peas. Only fruit cocktail. No pasta sauce, only diced tomatoes. Plenty of canned and dried beans and rice. We are usually allowed free choice of 5 produce items, yesterday, we weren’t allowed to take grapes AND strawberries. One or the other. That was okay. We got a very large container of grapes. All looked bright and crisp. Rick picked some heirloom tomatoes, two bags of brussels sprouts and a bag of carrots. We scored a large bag of uncooked chicken fritters. Will be great in so many ways- tacos, copy cat KFC bowls.
Our favorite volunteer that works in the bread room was gone for the day, and the woman working in the room was faster and just started presenting things to us- two pounds of butter, two packages of sourdough-one sandwich bun and one loaf, vegan mozzarella cheese, a large bottle of NAKED Juice pineapple coconut juice, 1/2 a dozen eggs, a whole box of Ding Dongs.
When we walked outside, it was the cool dude volunteer! He spread his arms wide and said, “No limits! Take what you want! Share with your neighbors!” There were BOXES and Boxes of Chobani yogurt flips, cartons of Lactose free milk, fancy spinach artichoke spread, Trader Joe’s herb pizza dough, large bottles of Kinders Japanese bbq sauce. I took only two yogurts, two pizza dough, one artichoke spread, and two of the Kinders bottles. I never want to be greedy. There were ten boxes of ripe bananas. I should have taken some to freeze for banana bread or nice cream. But our two bags were full and I hate overloading Rick.
But it was also the last day of food pantry for the week, and it was nearing the end of their operating hours, so they were just trying to get rid of everything perishable before the weekend. I kicked myself that I didn’t take more. There were only a few people left to go through, and plenty of items to be had.
I am blessed with what was given. We make a point of thanking everyone as we leave. I hope they know how much they bless us.
As we got in the car, my mind instantly began going through hypothetical recipes in my head. Trying to keep in mind that it is Rick’s birthday weekend. We don’t have the money to celebrate with an expensive meal. But I can plan something awesome with what we DO have.
I am thinking of making a focaccia with the pizza dough. Thinly sliced zucchini, heirloom tomato, thin white onion, pesto, and a bit of the vegan mozzarella. The fancy dinner on the night of his birthday, which is Monday, will be lasagna roll ups with canned salmon combined with the artichoke spread and a little vegan mozz. Béchamel sauce. Then garlic bread from the sourdough loaf, and roasted brussels sprouts with balsamic glaze. And a vintage recipe for fruit cocktail Jello poke cake with Cool Whip for his birthday cake.
Last night, we went to see Rick’s friend’s play. Last night was the kick off to Hollywood Fringe Festival. Fringe Festivals happen all over the world. It is two weeks of theatre in all genres and all types all over Los Angeles. The play we saw was written, directed by, and starred in by his friend. It was about a woman being evicted from her house after ten years, by a greedy landlord looking to level the land for corporate use. It was funny.
We stuck around after to talk to his friend, and she seemed to take time with everyone. She saw Rick, enthusiastically hugged him, and when he introduced me, I shook her hand and she looked at Rick and said, “Well, I have a ton of other people to say hello to. Thanks for coming.” Okay… not even going to think too much about that, lol.
When we got home, I went to the Hollywood Fringe Festival website and found over a DOZEN productions offering free tickets to performances. I thought that we would be largely locked out of going to Fringe due to finances! I asked Rick if he was game to see different types of performances, and he was all for it.
I decided I wanted to get a broader experience and did not want to stick to one genre. So I found a couple of shows that I have already secured free tickets to.
One is a dramatic reading of a horror themed play about a small town in Appalachia. The other is a one man cabaret called “Leo in Rio: an Evening with Latin Legends”. That is completely not something I would go out of my way to see normally, but we’re going for more cultural experiences.
I want to book tickets for one that is a drama about grief. I may do that today. And then I want to let Rick pick a category he’d like. He basically tells me to choose, and he is happy to go.
I purposely did not plan anything for today or tomorrow. Sunday, we are going to the Museum of Jurassic Technology. Rick’s son is coming along. I think I can get us a pizza for lunch or find a cheap burger spot nearby.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend.
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