Therapy was a little tough yesterday. We talked about how my emotions are sitting right at the surface lately. My therapist got to the root of the problem within half an hour. I have found myself thinking and speaking like my mother recently, and it is driving me bonkers. That voice in my head is the cynical mom. The “must be nice!” or the “I hope you’re happy!” mom. I hate this. I am admitting here that I have felt envy. That is a hard one for me. I try very hard to be grateful for what I have.
But when you’re just surviving, it is difficult to see what you cannot have coming to others so easily. I am not talking about cars, houses, luxury items… I am talking the 500 dollar trips to Costco. I see people planning weekend camping trips and I feel envious. It is so silly. Typically, if I am feeling that way, I eventually come up with a way to either accept that I cannot have or do something emphasized textright nowemphasized text, or I come up with a way to have or do something similar with what I already have.
Lauren reminded me that this voice from my mom is coming up because we are working on childhood stuff. When we are further along in this journey, this voice will fade.
After therapy, I was sitting on the couch in the living room, decompressing, by watching videos on YouTube. I was watching a video about all inclusive resorts in Vegas that are less than 100 a night all in- 2 meals, open bar. When everything was broken down by cost, it was a great deal. Rick noticed what I was watching and commented, “I want to do things like that with you.” I told him that we don’t have to take an elaborate trip. If we had camping gear, we could camp somewhere. Rick piped up, “I have sleeping bags, a tent. And Heidi just gave us that cot frame, so you could sleep off of the ground.”
We don’t need a fancy camping set up. We can pack sandwiches and salads, no need to cook. I just want to be out in nature with my love. I might not be able to hike, but it would be cool to have a nice view and time with my honey. Reading, playing card games, and just hanging out. I think I am going to look for places to camp near us.
Later tonight, we are going to see a play that a friend of Rick’s wrote. The performance is not until 9:00 PM. So I will likely take a nap this afternoon.
I have to get dressed to run a few errands. Have to grab a few groceries. I am already looking forward to that nap, lol.
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