I have been out of sorts the past few days. Emotional over trivial things. The tears are forever just on the surface and it takes very little to get it flowing. Yesterday, as we were running errands, I was telling Rick about my first teaching job. I stayed in that job for eight years. The first two years were great. But the rest was full of bullying. The waterworks started when I remembered just how mean they became.
We pulled into the Walgreens parking lot so Rick could grab a pack of cigarettes, and I decided I could spend a couple of bucks on a treat. We get to the candy aisle and I am ASTOUNDED by the prices of chocolate. I am instantly downtrodden. I began crying in the candy aisle of WALGREENS. This is a new low. Rick points out that Reece’s and Milky Way are BOGO for 2.19. It is not the kind I wanted, but what I want is now prohibitively expensive.
I go to the counter to pay and they have cinnamon Mentos, my dad’s favorite. Two dollars for Mentos. Jeebus. I get the Mentos anyway, because I am feeling like a nostalgic cry baby. The cashier is chatty. I am not feeling chatty. But I also don’t want to ruin this guy’s day, so I play along and we talk about cigarettes, and debit cards, and I am just wanting to get out of there. We pay and wish the cashier a good day.
We drove to this mall that is mostly closed. We park in the below ground parking and find a shady spot to sit in, so we can smoke a few cigarettes. We talk about other instances in my life where I was bullied. There was an instance when I was 17, my friends and I were leaving the goth club, and my bff Christine, turned to me and said, **”People only hang out with you because they feel sorry for you.”
**
Those words, and the way she delivered them- sweet tone but razor sharp, have stuck with me since. And when I am down, I dredge those words up and tell myself that she was right.
Crying again.
We decide to go to Grocery Outlet to grab melatonin because I have not been sleeping without it. He says I can grab a few things, but everything is SO expensive now. I only grabbed a bag of Goldfish crackers for .97 . My knees were beginning to revolt, so I asked Rick for the car keys so I could sit. A few minutes later he comes out and says, “Did you see Jeff walking in? He approached me to say hi.” I knew instantly he meant Jeff, the actor from the movie the Love Witch. DANG IT! Of course I missed it.
We came home and had corndogs for lunch. Rick found a box of twenty four all beef corndogs with honey cornbread coating. The all beef really makes a difference in taste. We watched an episode of the animated Batman the Brave and the Bold. The episodes are twenty one minutes long, which is the perfect amount of time to eat and relax before getting back to a task.
Yesterday, I finally finished listing all of the fragrance samples I had. While I was working at it, two Givenchy samples sold for $14.99! I realize that may be pocket change to some, but now that I have listed it all, I can sit back and watch the sales trickle in. Every sale helps in some way. And any sales from those lots is pure profit.
I started browsing eBay for colored bubble mailers to use for the samples. I found twenty five mailers in teal for $10 free shipping. It would be super cute to have fancy mailers. But when I thought about it, I have Ground Advantage bubble mailers that I got for free from the post office! I cannot afford to be bougie right now. I will be frugal and just accepted that the mailers I have are just fine.
I used to have all the fancy stuff- cute thank you cards, cool stickers and face masks to include as gifts, stickers that say “Thanks for supporting my small business” on them, cute patterned poly mailers with themes. I am lucky that I saved the poly mailers and the thank you stickers throughout my many moves.
I am low on stickers for gifts, and I gave up on buying face masks to include in the packages. I am out of thank you notes. I would love to get more, because I think a handwritten note adds something special, but I keep telling myself that I could MAKE my own thank you notes. I have plenty of fancy paper and every color of pen imaginable.
I think I am in my “use what you have” era. I have no choice other than being frugal now. And unless there is some sort of miracle that comes through in terms of work for Rick, I see this being a long term thing. Definitely not where I saw our path going AT ALL. A little over a year ago, we were planning our wedding. I was ten seconds from signing a contract with an amazing wedding coordinator. Then he lost his job.
I don’t know when we’ll ever get back to a point where we can think about a wedding. Every time I open my closet and see my dress and the maid of honor dress, I want to cry. I have brought up just going to a courthouse, and he doesn’t want that. He wants a party. Who knows if everything will ever line up again. I had to give up on looking at wedding stuff because it just made me sad.
I had to take the chemo meds today instead of yesterday because I had run out and couldn’t make it to the pharmacy until yesterday. I have a splitting headache and I am tired, like someone poured wet concrete over my head. I am out of Ibuprofen. I took one of Rick’s Naproxen, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Today will probably be a bed day.
My birthday is on the 23rd and I am feeling really MEH about it. Last year he took me to this cool cocktail tasting experience. This year, we cannot afford to do anything. No presents. I asked if we could just spend the day at Mother’s Beach in Marina Del Rey. It is a cove beach off the marina. No waves. Covered area with picnic tables, and there is only a short walk from the parking lot to the sand. I am looking for beach chairs on the Buy Nothing group. I don’t think we will fully swim, but I want to plan to wear something that will allow me to dip my feet in the water.
For Rick’s birthday on Monday, we are celebrating on Sunday. I am going to get us free tickets to the Museum of Jurassic Technology, which is this really cool weirdo museum in Los Angeles. If Rick’s son doesn’t want to come along, I will pack a picnic, and we can go to Hollywood Forever Cemetery so we can celebrate Rick with David Lynch, or Vampira. If he does, I am thinking dinner here, something easy like spaghetti and salad, and I will make a cake.
I have a really cute silicone baking mold and it is four small rounded cakes with hearts on the top. I am thinking a chocolate fudge cake, then top it with cherry pie filling and a dollop of whipped cream. We’ll see.
I hope you all have a great week.
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