Unwanted Break Up Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I have a doctor's appointment October 3rd. I am going to speak to him about getting a psychiatrist or some sort of theorapist. I have a lot of things that I need to try to understand. It's not at all normal for someone to make up some bullshit excuse as to why she should break up with someone.
My excuse: I don't trust him. My reason: He's never given me a reason not to
I did have another excuse. It seemed to me that he just wasn't interested anymore. He didn't e mail as much. He didn't come see me or invite me over. He was always too busy to talk to me. However, instead of talking to him about all this. I just simply broke it off with him.
Luckily, he didn't go running. He still talks to me. He called me last night. That has got to be an ok sign. I know he has got a lot going on right now. However, I have to feel wanted. I am not sure if he makes me feel that way.
I have gotten to the point in my life that I am completely messed up about dating. I don't know how I am supposed to act. I am not sure how men should be. I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. I don't know what's ok to talk about on a first date. I don't know about sex. I don't know about anything. I second guess EVERYTHING.
I have no idea what I am doing. I am hoping a psychiatrist can set me straight. I think about suicide a lot. At night I think about how to do it. What to do. What letters to leave. Who to say goodbye to. On a night like tonight, I can't imagine going through with it. Tonight is a good night though. Last saturday I started writing the letters. If I have too many of those "bad nights" in a row, it could end up being fatal. I don't want that. However, some nights I just can't give myself one reason to stay here on earth. The one thing I have ever wanted, A Family, just seems an impossible dream for me. There is nothing more that I want. Nothing. I only have a couple years left and my chance at a family is over. I turn 30 on Sunday.
I hope that I can come up with a reason to stay here. A real live selfish reason to stay on earth. Something for me and only me. Something that says, "This is why I am here." That is what I need. I need a reason to stay here. I can't find one... and it's bringing me down. It's time to work with a psychiatrist and fix this problem before it's too late.
Her
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Wow, I thought it was just me, guys are crazy, no matter how you try to simplify them. They complain about us but one minute their hot, the next cold. Thanks nice to know Im not the only one trying to figure them out.wow. . . [Girl Shook Up] 9/22/2005 12:13:37 AM
Glad to hear from you again. I hope you find more reasons to stay alive. I know you are down, but I don't think any of us have all the answers. Life just is what it is. Navigating through it is hard but you can do it.
Dating is hard, I know....some men are not ready, but it is hard to tell. they send mixed signals, but if you dont feel wanted, moving on is the best thing to do. [lostonthesea]
9/22/2005 1:00:29 AM
what you did was very brave. many people stay in unfulfilling relationships just to say they are in a relationship. You want and deserve more.
Taking time to heal yourself is a good thing. I wish you the best! [lostonthesea]
9/22/2005 1:03:58 AM
[JKD Student] 9/22/2005 8:20:12 AM
First off, I'm sorry about you and C but it is great that he still contacts you. That's always a good sign.
Second, it's a very positive thing that you're able to admit that you're suffering from depression and that you have suicidal thoughts. Definitely get yourself into some sort of therapy. They do help, trust me. Take care of yourself, ok?
xo [Hawk.] [p]
9/22/2005 9:48:37 AM
Yea, it is confusing. If it wasnt all those books about dating would go unwritten. Wouldnt they?
I think seeing a therapist is a good idea if thats what you want to do. Its nice to be able to talk to somone who you think will be unbias towards you and give you straight forward advice.
However, as im sure you know, it all starts from the inside. [LastInLine]
9/22/2005 12:47:40 PM
Gosh i hate asking you this.
If you have a copy of 'dannks love' handy could you resend it?
Im a loser and my PC crashed and i lost it again. I thought i e-mailed it to myself but cant seem to find it.
Im a loser with a capital L.
[LastInLine] [p]
9/22/2005 12:49:05 PM
RYN: I wouldnt call it dating. Its more of a meet and greet. I typically only date one person at a time.
And yea, i used to be nervous also, not anymore though.
Im used to it and like meeting new people now. [LastInLine] [p]
9/22/2005 1:05:01 PM
ust be yourself. it works wonders. [lowerlight] 9/22/2005 7:01:11 PM
you have a good selfish reason. you have to come see me play. yeah. or something. [lowerlight] 9/22/2005 7:02:37 PM
i dont think this man has given you a reason not to trust him, if there is a problem the first step is talking about it, and if things dont work out they dont, but at least give it a try, at least get a real reason to break up with him. you say how much you want a family, but here you are about to end your life and hurt the ppl you love the most ( your family ) 9/22/2005 10:38:06 PM
you talk about a family, first thing you need to do is love the one you belong to think about your parents and your sisters, parents should never have to bury there children NEVER. its not natural and they have done nothing to deserve itimagin your baby taking there own life, who you think they gona blame, they are gonna think they failed you, suicid hurts the ppl that love u the most [p] 9/22/2005 10:42:40 PM
girl please, do you know how lucky you are, more than, all the women your age that i know would trade places with u in a heart beat, i am not saying it is easy but please all that happened is you lost a man, imagin being raped by your uncle, and having his baby, imagin fathers that rape there babies, who do yuo tell, things look bad now but you are lucky, please count your blessings 9/22/2005 10:53:30 PM
Wow. We have more in common than you may think.
Hang in there, babe.
[enchanted.]
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