Trying to Slow Down Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I am just sort of in a daze tonight. I am a bit sad. I am a bit scared. I am a bit nervous. I don't know what to expect. I want so bad to be loved, that I am trying to read C way too much. Everything he does or doesn't do I try to read as how he feels about me. It's silly. I know this. That is why tonight I got offline early from him so that I could just get away from him. I am falling too hard too fast. I need to slow down. I need to let nature take its course. If it's meant to be, then it will be. I have to accept that. I can't make anything work that isn't meant to. I don't control fate.
I think tomorrow I won't get online either. I just have to take a break from him. I am setting myself up for disappointment. The harder I fall for him, the harder it will be to climb back up when it fails. I have to rememeber that this isn't a sure thing. There is a possibilty that it will fail. Him and I are still a very new thing. It's still too early to tell what will happen. I must distance myself from him just a little, so that I don't get hurt. I am trying so hard to stop falling for this guy.
When we talk online he goes away from keyboard a lot. (phone calls) It upsets me a little that I keep getting put on the back burner. I keep telling myself, "it's ok." But I really don't know if it is. He's on call this month. That means even more phone calls than usual. C's a great guy. He really is. I just don't know if I can handle being put on the back burner so much. If I understood it more, maybe I could. He never says what the phone call was for. He just says, "Sorry." I don't know. I wish I did know. It's just too early to know anything for sure.
I am so scared. I told myself that this is the last man for me. If it doesn't work, then I am done. My heart can't take anymore disappointment. Of course, I didn't tell him that. Just something I said to myself. It's too hard to have that wonderful high from falling in love and then going down to that low-ness that you feel from breaking up. If I do that one more time, it will be my last. This is my last chance. I don't want to date anymore after this.
I speak as though I know that this isn't going to work. That's not true. It may work out beautifully. It may not. I am just trying to prepare myself for if it doesn't. Which is exactly why I am spacing myself from C. I don't want to fall in love with him if he's not going to fall for me. I am trying to follow his lead. It's hard though. So very hard.
I need to be loved and held. I need to know what it feels to have a boyfriend, a fiance, or a husband. Everyone that I know seems to have that and I don't. It's so incredibly hard to watch my friends buy new houses, play with their new born babies, and say I love you to their significant others. It so hard that sometimes I cry at night. I want that so bad... but if I have it, I want it to be real. I don't want it to be forced. I have to know it's real.
With all the lying that all my ex boyfriends did, I am having an almost impossible time believing anything is real. That is why I need so bad to know that it is.
Her
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"I need to let nature take its course. If it's meant to be, then it will be"
Innit true?
So, if thats the case why bother staying away, or taking it slow, or triple analyzing everything.
You either believe it or you dont. Right? [LastInLine]
9/15/2005 10:50:20 AM
I'm sorry. I'm not what you seem to think I am, I'm so much less. Maybe I make myself seem better in my entires... I'm not. I'm worthless. [Solitary17] [p] 9/16/2005 4:27:31 AM
Gosh you sound like me...I get scared like that too. Dating is hard, the not knowing is hard, the past hurts us and we feel weak, but faith will get us through. Taking a break will be good for you...do something fun for yourself. If he is busy with work, then you should be busy too...but having fun. [lostonthesea] 9/17/2005 12:44:55 AM
Is this a guy you met online..or a guy you know personally? [Wlfinshpsclthing] 9/17/2005 2:19:37 AM
avoiding C is not letting nature take its course its avoding nature, you have already fallen for him so please let go of the past and enjoyn it, if it doesent workout, then it wasent ment to be but please dont let your past bruin your future leave your past in the past where it belongs 9/20/2005 5:57:51 PM
Everything he does or doesn't do I try to read as how he feels about me.
^This is exactly what I do with Liam.
Hun, you SO aren't alone in this. My heart is breaking for you.
[enchanted.] [p]
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