Yesterday was one of the toughest days I have had in quite a long time. Therapy brought up childhood stuff, and I was grossly ill-prepared for the aftermath of digging up old bones.
Things were dredged up that I had forgotten. The small ways that my mom was cruel to me. Her expectations were crippling. Keeping up appearances was something I learned very early on. Everyday, mom yanking my hair while she braided it for school. The pinching of the inside of my elbow when we were in public. Her disgust at my acne, but making it worse by constantly picking at my face, causing scars I STILL have. Offering me a nose job on my sixteenth birthday, even though I had never expressed that I hated my nose.
When I was being picked on in ninth grade, and was truly in my ugly duckling phase, and she decided to play a long game prank on me, making me think I had a secret admirer. She would create wild goose chases to “help me” figure out who my secret crush was. When she finally admitted she had been the person behind it, because she felt bad that no one liked me, I was so incredibly hurt, and it validated my belief that I was not attractive. It also cemented that my mom was just as bad as the kids picking on me.
The majority of my day yesterday was spent in bed, crying. Inconsolable. I was so upset that I couldn’t talk about it with Rick. He gave me just enough space. I napped for a couple of hours, as I had that exhaustion that only comes from crying that long, and that hard. When I woke up, Rick came in, and we talked about what we discussed in therapy. He gently said, “You didn’t deserve any of this, but I am here now.”
We took a walk, and had a cigarette. Going outside feels weird to me. I know it’s good for me, but when I am out, I cannot wait to get back inside the apartment. I have previously been prone to spells of being an agoraphobic hermit. I fear I am heading that way, now, but there are quite a few factors that will likely force that to happen, anyway. So do I just give in? Spend time doing productive things like organizing, cooking, art projects, watching tv?
I was up at 5:30 this morning. I think my circadian rhythm has reset, which SUCKS. I slept okay last night. We had to get up and out of the house to get to the food pantry a little earlier than usual. They open at 10, but people start lining up just after 8. We arrived at 8:45. The energy was off from the second we walked into the garden area, where we wait.
There were a few cardboard boxes full of clothing and household items that they were putting out for free. I watched the frenzy of pushy women go through, but I sat back and waited… I saw them hold up items I knew I wanted, but I was patient. I wanted others to get what they needed and wanted before I took a look.
When the crowd cleared, I went over and started picking. I found quite a few items that I could EASILY sell for 30-50 PER PIECE! More upscale bread and butter brands. A very collectible Christmas Caroler doll by a well known doll maker, and a beautiful bohemian wall tapestry that I think we’re going to use as a sofa cover. SCORE.
We had to wait a few minutes before the pantry director came out to give numbered tickets to everyone who showed up early. All the tickets go into a bowl and are picked randomly, and if your ticket is called, that is your place in line. I went to get a ticket, and accidentally bumped into a woman lightly, when my knee buckled on the uneven pavers. I lightly put my hand on her shoulder and told her I was so sorry.
When the director started pulling tickets, I managed to get #10 in line! Every other time I have been there, we arrived AFTER the ticket process, so we had to write our names on the sign in and wait until all the ticket holders have shopped. We have never been anything less that #52 on the list.
Getting to be tenth in line meant we would be back home far earlier than usual. And we might just get a better selection of stuff. While we were waiting, I noticed a black woman getting into it with the security guard, who is Latina. The client was hollering about her being a racist bitch. Even when the security guard walked away, the woman kept hollering at her, calling her every name in the book. Accusing her of prejudicial treatment. Nothing had transpired that we saw or heard that would have given us the impression that this type of treatment was actually happening.
The security guard walked toward where we were sitting. You could tell it was getting to her. I called her over and told her that I took notice of something she had done last week- she rendered immediate and compassionate aid to a senior client that fainted. She handled it well, and I wanted her to know that I saw her. She really appreciated that.
Know who DID NOT appreciate me talking to the security guard? The very upset lady that was yelling about racism. She was carrying on so much that the director came out and pulled her aside and asked what was happening?
This woman decides that I am the problem! She is LOUDLY accusing ME of being in cahoots with the security guard. I am now being disparaged and called every name in the book. I told Rick that I really just wanted to leave. He reminded me that we needed the food, so we would just ignore her. But her tirade continued even after the director spoke to her.
She sat near us, and took a phone call. She went on and on about me, the security guard, and all of the “fucking illegals getting everything for free”. She disparaged ALL white people as “demons”, and “Mexicans” as the “minions” of white demons. Then she set her sights on the Asian folks there.
I think to get her to shut up, the director let HER go to the head of the line! That’s fine, better to get her away from ME, because I am pretty sure if I had spoken up for myself and the other clients, she probably would’ve whooped my ass right there.
When we did get to the line, a woman tried to cut in front of me. The male co-director said, “Hey Samantha, hey Joel (Rick’s legal name)! What number are you?” I told him ten, and he told the woman who tried to cut, and had already gone in, to come back out and wait, and he took us in. He is always kind. Greets everyone warmly.
We picked out our five produce items- grapes, green onions, fresh corn, and two bags of broccoli. The canned goods were not that varied this week, but I was able to get a few cans of veggies- corn and peas, rice, peaches, spaghetti, tomato sauce, and two big cans of chicken. We picked a bag of breaded fish sticks as our protein.
When we headed to the bread room, it was the same volunteers it has been the last few times. She smiled and called us by name. We picked some butternut squash, of which one of them gave us an extra package of. We got to pick a dessert, and Rick’s eyes glazed over looking at a giant LAVENDER birthday cake round, that had berries on top. We also got two bread items-slider buns, and a loaf of Super Bread from Trader Joe’s. It is a superfood seeded bread.
Once we hit the outside table, I saw my favorite volunteer, who is always cheery and tells us to take one extra of something every time we’re there. Today, he was off. An elderly Asian woman was standing there just FILLING her bags with items on the table. It is a well known rule that is very clearly communicated that we can only take THREE items from the table, including trying to stuff ALL of one item- Trader Joe’s bottled green tea. Cheery dude is right there, telling her to stop. He tells her FIVE times to put things back. An elderly man I have seen stealing extra stuff on a previous day joins the argument, and they try to walk off, without putting anything back. Mr. Cheer followed them out, very obviously getting flustered.
When he came back, I told him it must be tough to volunteer there with shenanigans afoot. He laughed and apologized.
As we were standing there, I heard angry woman from before standing behind me, cursing out the staff as she left with bags full of food. “Y’all are all fucking racist and I am going to call the rabbi and tell him what you are doing here. You all are DEMONS.” I am not sure what rabbi she was talking about, because this program is run by a Christian church.
I realized that we received two items I had told Rick I was manifesting- milk and chocolate! Cheery dude had given us a bag of Ghiradelli caramel chocolates. And the shelf stable milk was an absolute GODSEND. Oh! AND a bag of shredded cheddar.
When you’re poor, things like cheese, milk and chocolate simply are not attainable. So this was a nice surprise.
I had an eighteen dollar payment come through for something I sold, so we headed to the store for a small bag of coffee and toilet paper. We came out with only toilet paper, as coffee is simply too expensive now.
But surprise! A nine dollar sale came through, so coffee may be on the horizon. Also, as I was sitting here typing this, I sold something on eBay for 65! That’s half the utility bill! Woohoo!
It really seems like I am in tune with the universe, and what we NEED always finds us. I can think about wanting something, and BAM! There it is. It’s pretty cool!
Welp, the afternoon got away from me. I need to process the produce we got from the pantry, and think about what to make for dinner… fish stick tacos? Chicken and cheese taquitos? Elote? Chicken fried rice? We’ll see!
I also have to come up with something to take to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday. They are gluten free, so I was thinking gluten free copycat Nutter Butters.
I am going to make her a present tomorrow.
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