Yesterday was rough. One of the roughest days I have had in a bit. I had started the morning seeing a post on Facebook from a friend who lives in the mountains, but works in N.E. Los Angeles, where I live. I have not hung out with him in almost five years. The post was a picture of him at a cafe a few blocks from our apartment, having brunch with his daughter, after showing a few houses here to real estate clients.
I replied to the post with, “Right down the street!” He dm’d me almost immediately, “Next time, I swear!”. I responded with, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Only half joking.
He said he needed advice. Okay. I knew this was going to be complicated from the jump. I won’t go into specifics but it was MESSY. I had to employ a little tough love tactics, and basically told my friend that he needs to focus on improving his own life, and let his wife heal from the shit he put her through.
In the midst of this, my oldest friend Ramon replied to a question I had asked the night before. He posted about packing to go to Mexico. I asked if it was a trip or for good. His reply, “For good.” He’s leaving June 2nd. I said, “We should have dinner.” No reply. This is nothing new.
I have known Ramon since I was 17. I am 51 now. He has gone back and forth to and from Mexico almost our entire adult lives, but he came back here for years when Zoe was little. He became her uncle. After my divorce, we were good for a bit and then we had a falling out over my boyfriend. That falling out lead to a period of estrangement that lasted until about two years ago.
His first reintroduction message was on my business page, to ask if I could do some video production for a YouTube series. The tone was a bit bitchy. Expectant. I checked his follower count- 5. Quite catty for someone with no followers. And his approach to my business page and not my personal? Mid level petty, kind of passive aggressive. I responded that I did not do video.
That eventually lead to a catch up. I am not sure why I was chasing his acknowledgement. But we have had casual conversations about life in the meantime, with him saying we need to have dinner during every conversation, but it has never happened. He was ALWAYS a little hard to nail down, but this is ridiculous. Two years of HIM suggesting it. Two years of turning around and saying he needs to check his schedule.
If they wanted to, they would. Period. I cannot continue to put myself through this. The hope. The excitement. The let down. The feelings of rejection.
All of that lead to me being in a very funky mood. I wanted to talk about all of it. Admittedly, Rick had not been awake long. I was explaining things and he wasn’t following. He said something to the effect of, “I don’t need to know all of the details and who said what. Just get to the point.” Instantly triggered. When I am triggered like that, I immediately shut down. He approached me when he realized, and I asked him to please give me a little space. He kept approaching, so I practically growled, “Please leave me alone for a minute.”
The look on his face told me I had reacted poorly. He said that he just needs time in the morning to get acclimated before he can follow what I am talking about. I grabbed my water cup and phone and headed to the bedroom. I told him to take all the time he needed.
I laid in bed and cried. I think we both acted ineffectively. I wanted to sit in it and decide how to discuss it later.
I tried to hold a spiral back. After a bit, he came in and we talked. I gave him my perspective. He gave me his. We both apologized and discussed better ways to communicate with each other. I realized that I had taken on an awful lot of negativity first thing in the morning. I think that the conversations, or lack thereof with friends really rubbed me the wrong way. That energy has a way of sticking around.
I think after all that, I was seriously exhausted. It was chemo meds day, so I was already sleepy. He ran an errand, and I tried to get comfy on the couch. When he got back, we hung out on the couch and watched weird shows from the 60’s. He made dinner- baked potatoes with taco meat, refried black beans, and sauteed cabbage, onions, carrot, and orange bell pepper. It was tasty.
I was in bed by nine. Rick went for a walk. We live at the front of our building, and next to the door leading to the lobby. There is a call box you have to use in order to be buzzed into the building. In our bedroom, we hear people calling to be let in at all hours of the night, but it is typically fairly quiet between 11 and 8. Last night, there was a lot of back and forth through the lobby door, along with a lot of banging and thudding. I assumed that someone was either moving in, or out. Quiet hours in the complex start at 8 p.m. I won’t complain, especially if it is before I am thinking of going to sleep anyway.
At 11, it was still happening. I told myself I would mention it to Rick if it kept me awake even after my sleep meds. Fortunately, I got to sleep with no issues. But at 5 this morning, the same noise. I tried to force myself to go back to sleep, but it was no use.
I am not sure what I am going to do today. I have three packages that are overdue for shipping, so I literally HAVE TO do that today. I know we need to get the extra crap out to storage before Thursday. Rick’s son will be flying home from college in NY. He’s home for the summer. We want the house to be ready in case he wants to visit.
Thursday night, we are going out with Rick’s best friend and his wife. We are going to see one of their favorite bands, Sleepytime Gorilla Museum. It’s an avant garde group of musicians who play really hard rock. Not like the hard rock your used to. Think Tool with Berkeley educations, homemade instruments, and performances that are akin to art. Dark. Like a swamp at one a.m. I went to one of their performances last year, and fell in love.
I had ADA seating for that show at a venue in our neighborhood called the Lodge Room. It is a renovated meeting room in an old Masonic Lodge. So it’s already spooky! The ADA seating was right at the front, but right side of the stage. So we had a great view of the show. When we first walked in and were taken to our seats, I indulged in an edible, so by the time the two opening bands were finished and Sleepytime was about to come out, I was melting into my chair.
It was one of THE best live shows I have ever seen. I worked in radio and had to go to a lot of shows. So that statement carries that load.
Will be cool to see it with other people.
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