I just read my last entry from 2/8/26. It’s amazing to me, I’m still alive. The level of my depression that week. It was bad. Even worse than I wrote about. Bad enough I vividly remember it. Bad enough, I’m still depressed today - just not quite to that level. It’s just not going away this time.
3 months later… I still miss Nick just as much. I think about him daily. I simply wish he’d of chose me. Chose us. I still don’t truly grasp why he didn’t. Why wasn’t I good enough? I truly thought it was great. I was so happy and content with him. I thought he was everything I wanted. Someday I hope I understand but today, I don’t. Not at all. Why throw away something that felt so right? Did it only feel right to me?
Today I’m counting down the days until I text him again. He said we had to break up as he’d be too busy with volleyball. This is the last weekend of volleyball. So I keep thinking I could text him Sunday night or Monday morning. When volleyball is over. See if he has time for me. If we can try again. In my heart, I’m convinced he’ll say no. Convinced my heart will shatter all over again. Yet, I have to try. Want to try. I just want to rewind to like June - November. When we were happy. When my life felt right for the first time ever.
I haven’t had time to write because beautiful Baby E was born. She’s perfect. She’s saved me. Without a doubt. That sweet girl gives me a reason to get out of bed every day. She makes me smile when I feel like life is falling apart. She keeps me moving into each day. I’m still sad. The nights are still rough after she’s in bed for then night and I’m alone. Yet, I know I am keeping on for her.
She was born on 2-16-26. 7 pounds 11 ounces. A head full of dark hair. She’s 2 1/2 months old now and perfect. She started sleeping through the night a little over a week ago. In her own bed. It makes me sad. I miss cuddling and not being alone but I know it’s best for her. She’s a chunk and already up to 13 pounds. Moved to 3-6 month clothes already. It’s crazy how fast it goes. She smiles and talks. Really, she’s amazing. E is such a good baby. I’m in love with her.
Her birth parents aren’t the greatest still. Dad is out of jail now. Relapsed on the hard stuff. He has saw her for an hour all combined. Mom still has 11+ months left. She’s still making poor choices. Calls less as time goes on. Makes comments about the future that doesn’t include a baby. She’s told me two different times now that I’m E’s parent and refers to me as mom. I hadn’t planned to keep this girl. Reunification is the goal. I know this. Yet, I’m realizing they don’t necessarily plan to ever have this sweet little human back full-time either.
What will I do? I have no idea. She’s perfect. Will I keep her? Yeah, quite likely. Maybe. I don’t know. She’s so amazing. I don’t know how they don’t care more. How they can live without her.
Dating with a newborn. Hard. Nearly impossible. I stand by the fact tho that the right person won’t mind this baby. They won’t blink. They’ll accept her. They’ll accept that I love kids, love helping. Accept I love a house with kids in it. They’ll accept me for me. If they don’t? They weren’t worth it.
It’s hard. I’m lonely. I miss adult companionship and interactions. Yet, I never want to settle again.
I just wish I could meet my person already and live happily ever after. I’m so ready.
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