Dear God,
It is 6:52am. I had a nightmare. I was a lesbian at first. I had two girls on a rollercoaster, and we were making out. Maybe the other girl was me. The girl followed me. Mom told her to go home. She did. Next thing I know, I’m in war. I’m with a man and another one as well. The other man dies quickly in the front, but now it’s just me and the other man. He looks like my neighbor who is from Bulgaria.
This neighbor that I speak of is scary. He’s a 23 year old who’s a drug addict. He lives with his father and is reckless. He looked exactly like him.
This criminal-type looking guy in my nightmare was actually working for the other side… the enemy. He was standing during war to let the other side know who he was so he would not be shot. I was actually dipping and dodging, but I think he was helping the opposing side who I was in order to be shot. I found myself being shot directly; however, I was not dead.
I then found myself in the backseat floor of a car, behind the passenger seat. I asked the guy who looked like my neighbor, why did he do this to me? I asked him if he cared for me at all. Then I found a gun and I tried to shoot him, but I was too weak to aim, and this made him angry. So he ordered the soldier who was in the backseat to kick me in my ribs until I died. As he was kicking me, I felt no pain, but I did feel the weakness in my body, so I decided to act as though I was dead.
Then they put a rope over my neck and dragged me to a house and left me on the doorstep for dead. They dragged me inside the house and left me by the refrigerator, and I just laid there lifeless. Then I heard my mom’s voice, and she told me she wished that I never lived alone. She told me that she wanted me to get up to survive. She said to be strong and not stay down, so I got up.
I went to the mirror, and I looked dead, but I was still alive, and everything around me that I saw was dark. But then I turned the water on, and I woke up, and that was it in my dream. It was the first time I’ve ever had a dream about death. It reminded me about the story of Jesus—betrayal, being killed, and then rising from the dead.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be involved with bad people.
Father God, I’m praying for Your mercy! Please help me again. I cannot do this without Your help. Help me not get in trouble about the days knowing I didn’t have my badge. Please let them not ask Brittany or Savanna or anyone else. I pray to God, let this be over with in Jesus name.
It’s now 8:13am. I just sent a heartfelt letter to Human Resources. I’m hoping they can help me.
This is what I wrote them:
Dear Human Resources,
I would like to begin by expressing how deeply important this job is to me. It has been incredibly difficult for me to navigate this situation, and I would be dishonest if I did not acknowledge the emotional and physical toll this investigation has taken on me. I have experienced ongoing stress, including persistent headaches and a sense of constant pressure. Despite this, my genuine desire is simply to return to flying and to find joy and purpose in my work again.
From the beginning of training, I often felt isolated. There were situations where certain individuals engaged in behavior that made others feel excluded, including one instance involving a fellow trainee with a language barrier who was treated unfairly. As time went on, after I received two non-passing grades, I felt that I became a target for similar treatment. I frequently asked questions to better understand the material, but instead of being supported, I was sometimes met with ridicule.
As training progressed, I chose to dedicate most of my time to studying rather than socializing. I recognize that I was in a different stage of life than many of my peers, and my primary focus was on succeeding in the program. Unfortunately, this seemed to further contribute to a sense of division between myself and others.
By the time I reached my OE, I felt a noticeable level of hostility from certain individuals. While not everyone treated me this way, there was a clear group dynamic that made me feel unwelcome. Seeing familiar faces from training on my first flight heightened my anxiety. I made an effort to approach some members of the group in hopes of moving forward in a professional manner and prioritizing passenger safety, but that effort was not received as I had hoped.
I fully understand that in this profession, we will not always work with individuals we naturally connect with. However, I have also had the opportunity to meet and build positive relationships with many colleagues, which I truly value. At this time, I am respecting all guidelines by refraining from contact during the investigation, although it has been difficult not knowing how this situation may impact those connections moving forward.
This career means everything to me. I left my previous role in education to pursue this dream, with the long-term goal of becoming a purser. Aviation has always been meaningful to my family, and it has been especially difficult for them to see me struggling during this time. Personally, the stress has affected me significantly, both mentally and physically.
I share all of this not to diminish the seriousness of the investigation, but to provide context for what I have been experiencing. While I may appear composed externally, internally I have been facing a great deal of emotional strain. At the same time, this experience has taught me valuable lessons about communication, resilience, and human behavior—lessons that I will carry with me moving forward.
My intention in writing this letter is to sincerely ask for the opportunity for a fresh start. I recognize that my first flight may not have reflected my full potential, but I am committed to growth and improvement. I take pride in continuously studying and applying what I have learned, and I remain dedicated to performing my duties to the highest standard.
I truly love this job, and I am asking for the chance to continue building my career in a positive and professional way. I hope that my words are received with understanding, and that you can see my genuine desire to learn, grow, and succeed.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
daina
I’m laying in the tub now. I’m typing this prayer while my Tshirt is dripping on top of my head. I hung it above the bathtub to dry. I just finished walking in the rain. I walked in the rain until even my underwear became soaked from underneath my shorts, and my bra was soaked underneath my dripping wet nirvana shirt. It has bleach stains on it, but I think that only makes my nirvana shirt look even more cooler.
Hours have passed. I spoke to my friends and pastor. Each of them consoled me. I feel rich because You’ve placed good people in my life. Even this app I’m thankful for… even the naysayers and the haters. I love them too; they care enough to share their two cents. I read it, but I feel strong by not letting words affect me in a negative manner like I did in the beginning. I appreciate the people who aren’t scared to encourage me. I love everyone… even the mean girls from training, or any man who will try to hold power over me but will never succeed at it like Iroc. Like my dad once said to me, you can even learn from the Devil.
I asked for You to get me ready for the industry. I did ask for this. So this is understandable to face difficulties as frequent as I have lately. I’m sure it’s always something. And I can hear You say to me, “are you sure you still want this?” My answer is yes.
I wonder how people like Hilary Duff or Zendaya handle the media so effortlessly. But I don’t know them personally, and I have no idea what their life looks like behind closed doors. Wouldn’t it be something if they had parents as loving as mine, or even less stress… ha! I’d be so happy and envious at the same time. Like, you mean they have money, a successful career, and a loving environment with no problems even remotely like mine?! I’d say happy for them, because that would mean I would have a chance to live a stable and joyous life as well!
I just want to laugh allllll the time. The kind of laughter that isn’t polite, but outright laughing at my seams, where my sides hurt and I’m gasping for air. I want the kind of joy where all my teeth show because my whole face lights up. Where I feel like I’m being tickled with life.
I want the kind of love where it’s reciprocated & where I cry when they leave my side because they are missed already. Where hugs feel safe. Where things feels like it’s almost too good to be true and the utmost respect is given. Where most of all, I feel like I’m so safe and never judged. In a husband, I want to feel like this person loves me more than my parents, and to be honest, that would be impossible. My parents are so selfless—my dad in particular—there is no doubt how much he loves me. My mom loves me too, but she puts herself first. I don’t mind that, because the way she values herself has taught me the value of boundaries. I learned so much from my parents.
I just want a good life, God. I want a full and happy life. Free from predators, demons, and jealousy. I want to have fans who love me and my music. I want the people I work with to become lifelong friends. I want to have the type of friendships where we help each other become successful. I don’t want to be scared of people or feel exhausted by the thought of going out. I want to spend time with people in a meaningful way.
I hear something. I hit the walls, pounded them with my fists, and jumped up and down on the floors to scare the mice away just now. I had to let them know this was my house. However, I’m praying that I won’t have to do this longer. I want a better place to live. Give me a rat-free place, God! Please save me and heal my feet because I think I hurt my bones from all the pounding and stomping.
In a perfect world, I’d be married to a prince. He’d be in his 30s or 40s. He would have great hair and a cute face. He would be tall and built like Bruce Lee. As a matter of fact, he’d probably look like Bruce Lee too. He would be extremely ambitious and quiet. He would be a man of few words, and a great listener. He’d eat the same foods every day and have the same routine. He would like to be mysterious, but make it his mission to make me feel comfortable by always creating a safe environment. He would not have kids, and he would instead baby me to make sure I am well taken care of. And most of all, he’d be super successful and love what he does. And my joy would come from looking amazing for him & never feeling crowded or uncomfortable with any of his needs from me. Oh, and thoughtful—he would be very romantic too… jewelry, health spas, alone time and for myself would be his love language, and loyalty will be his number one quality. And of course, he’d support my career in every way; never jealous.
Is this asking for too much? Especially the prince part? I just want the best of life to still be ahead of me in Jesus name. Amen.
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