The Ever Passing Moment was the fifth studio album from the group MxPx. In my house, they were considered a Christian Acceptable Punk group and while my brother frequently mocked me for liking any punk music, MxPx’s Life in General and The Ever Passing Moment hold a fond place in my memories. It opened me up to a few different groups who are either so “Christian Niche” they can’t be found on Google or were simply too “flash in the pan” to ever make a mark on the Interwebs.
It should come as little surprise that when I am feeling the way I do, my priorities go wonky. I know getting good sleep and taking care of my body should be priorities. But that’s not what draws the attention and need when I’m feeling as I was. My own physical safety and health actually matter very little to me when the abstract things in life feel like they are falling down around me. As every year of my life has prove conclusively… my world is the world of the intangible and if that world is crumbling? I have no refuge in the world of the tangible. I, apparently, never have. Which… connects back to a lot of things really. BUT I was… desperate for a feeling of accomplishment from somewhere in something! Actually getting something done that is done and doesn’t need to be done after it is done! Because I don’t have that anywhere right now. SO… last night.... how many more Trophies do I need before I have officially 100% completed Star Wars Jedi Survivor?
(1) Kill 3 enemies with 1 drone
(2) Purchase All of Doma’s Merchandise
(3) Equip Perks in All Slots
(4) Execute 10 Perfectly Timed Precision Releases
(5) Avoid 50 Attacks Using Focus Sight
And that was it. Granted, some of those could be quite grindy but I’d already successfully mapped 99.4% of the game!! I need to find 4 special treasures for Doma, 1 elusive Perk Upgrade, and then do the combat things I’d not succeeded at for two entire playthroughs. SHOULDN’T BE A PROBLEM! Of course… starting this at 11 or 11:30!
I started some Batman Beyond on my cellphone to make grinding less tedious- then I went map by map. Travel to Map Marker: Any treasure or upgrades? No? Travel to next Map Marker. Any treasure or upgrades? No? Travel to next Map Marker. Any treasure or upgrades? No? Travel to next Map Marker. on and on through the solar system. Until I found the pesky missing items. Except for the one hidden treasure which required me to find a specific rare drop and then put that rare drop into a nearby stable, then rest, then sort through the rare drop’s..... leavings. BUT I got it resolved. In about 2 Batman Beyond Episodes. All that was left was to grind the combat challenges and- clearly, I hadn’t been doing the moves right if I hadn’t unlocked those achievements yet. So.... go on-line, review recommended best practices; then execute. Only took another Batman Beyond episode. SO… finally… after almost 3 years- I 100% completed Jedi Survivor. It’s a minor as fuck thing but doing that finally let me feel like I could go to bed not just.... closing the book on another Day of Perpetual Failure. It meant that I was in bed around 2 a.m. Which… meant I was NOT able to wake up around 5 am to get into the office early. Which means that I have a MORAL OBLIGATION to spend my Saturday morning in the office. Which sucks. But… if the “never being caught up” is going to destroy my mental and emotional health this much? I genuinely cannot simply “shrug it off and keep going.” I have to do something to at least attack the backlog so that.... even if for only 12 minutes.... I can feel like I’m not carrying an entire 12-story mountain on my back. Again- it may be stupid, short lived, and futile. But I can’t keep going like this. And in the short term? That means sacrificing any time I can to try to feel less crushed by the bullshit at work.
As to the bullshit of the theater issue?? I have a plan… a proposal… I’m going to ask the Music Director for help before just… kicking me the fuck off. I want him to hear me without music without staging to see if I can hit the pitch. We haven’t even done that. It was literally “YOU, SING THIS SOLO” and never discussed again. Which, considering my vocal mis-talents, is still the right call. If you’re going to do NON-MAIN CHARACTER first followed by NON-MAIN CHARACTER second followed by ENTIRE ENSEMBLE.... put your strongest utility singer as the FIRST, put your strongest actor as the SECOND. Sell the music, demonstrate the mood. FOR THE REASONS IT MAKES SENSE TO KEEP ME WHERE I HAVE BEEN PLACED I want some bloody help. DO I EVEN KNOW the pitch and AM I ABLE TO produce it? START THERE. If, after that help or as part of that help, it is determined that I am incapable… we can adjust. If after that help or as part of that help, it is determined that I am capable.... then I need to do it. That seems logical. Intelligent. Reasonable. Rational. AND it is at this moment that I start to worry.
From everything I know? When someone looks around and starts thinking “Is everyone crazy but me?” that’s a good sign that you’re the crazy one. And I’m definitely starting to hit that point. I look around and I am surrounded by irrational, dangerous, criminal, unreasonable… is it me? Am I the problem?
Is it rational to give someone a solo and then never work with them in anyway or even verify that they can hit the pitch? Or is that as irrational as it feels?
Is it rational at work for a judge to give special treatment to certain cases, thereby permitting them to ignore deadlines by months at a time? Or is that as irrational as it feels?
Is it rational in my community to stab someone three times and scream “I’m only getting arrested cuz I’m black!”? Or is that as irrational as it feels?
Is it rational to scream a death threat at someone who refuses to dismiss a 109 in a 55 speeding ticket because “I’m fucking rich, you fa(slur)”? Or is that as irrational as it feels? Is this maybe the exception? Is this maybe an exception where “It feels like everyone around me is irrational!” because everyone around me is irrational??
I never do this but I am writing this part during rehearsal. I did today glasses off. Go fully in character. Listen to your first 4 bars 23 times and hold the first note for a count of 10. This was… I put everything I have into this performance tonight. That’s all I can do. No matter what happens at the end of this rehearsal- I can hold my head high. I did the best that I could possibly do today. That doesn’t mean it is the best I can do EVER… if I did good enough to keep my solo, the goal is to get better every time. But I 100% did the best I could today. so, again, whatever the decision? I can hold my head high.
I have some more stuff to mention about work and “flirty rehearsal behavior” but I shouldn’t stay here during rehearsal too much.
Well, that serves me for speaking too soon.
The first song after intermission? The one where I was thrown a woman in a wheelchair and told to move her across the stage without any direction or rehearsal? Went dangerously poorly today. Epically awful. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, CHRISTOPHER” badly!
Immediately after that? The trick chair malfunctioned. Half of me went down, the other half got stuck inside the trap door. I pulled my leg and smacked my nose hard enough that it erupted with blood.
At the end of the show? Trick chair malfunctioned. Beggar Woman being sent down the chute smacked the back of her head something awful! Like… had to finish the show off stage with an icepack.
This is one of those…”maybe having amateurs without show insurance do stunt moves that have never been practiced or safety tested on equipment that was built by untrained volunteers is just asking for trouble!!”
BUT the good news? The Music Director told me that I did so well today with the music that I can keep my solos. SO… massive physical pain… almost killed a fellow performer… but I did a good job in the things that are PERFORMANCE which… is all I’ve ever said I could do, lol.
I need to do laundry tonight so likely a long night. It’s been raining heavily all day and night, so Nala won’t get time at the Dog Park. I have to go into the office tomorrow early. Then from rehearsal to Parents. It’s going to be a long and weird weekend.
OH… I teased something that I didn’t write about yet:
So work?
First Assistant texted me today to say she and the Boss were talking about me and Boss thought that I had been hired before her (I had not been hired before her). I told her my hire date (June 20, 2022) and that was that. But considering the shit going on this week? My boss trying to figure out “how long I’ve worked there” does not fill me with confidence and strong feelings of job security.
So flirty rehearsal behavior?
Okay, so I don’t exactly know what flirty is but… kindness, social interaction, and playful vulnerability maybe? ANYWAY, with that cute woman I had previously worked with- I tried it. And it seemed… she’s friendly and social. I can’t say if it was “flirty back” or just “her being herself.” BUT when Crew came? She said… OH- I HAVE A FAMILY HERE! She pointed to a crew member and said, “She was my daughter in a show.” And then she pointed to me and said, “And he was my baby daddy!” Which… not necessarily flirty, but funny. And our conversation and playful banter went well from there. Until we got into a conversation with multiple cast members regarding high school trends. And people looked at me a little oddly because my response was… to everyone else… a non-sequitur. And I said, “But then, I left High School in 2002.” And the woman I am referencing here got big eyes, laughed, and then said somewhat surprised and taken aback- “Wow. Remember when we were in a play where we were supposed to be around the same age!” Which.... again… isn’t outright dismissive but directly links to one of the three biggest issues in my mind. I mean… she’s turning 30 this year… she’s right that… yeah… 2 years ago… when she was 28 and I was 39, we were cast in a show where we were supposed to be of similar ages. THAT SAID? Even just the last 10 months have… taken their toll. I will not forget what my friend said after being in both Ripcord and The Cottage. Ripcord opened in October of 2025. The Cottage opened at the end of January 0f 2026. So we have maybe 3 months or so between openings. And my co-actor was flabbergasted by how quickly my hair was turning grey… and I’m sure… how tired I started to look so quickly. Because uh.... yeah… things in my life are… going a certain direction. So… two years ago, being cast to play opposite a 28 year old as someone of similar age? Believable. Now? It would surprise me greatly for anyone to make that casting choice. But… I wanted to update on all of that during this… rather strange evening.
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