Dear friend,
Actually, can I call you that? I know I've fucked off more times than I can count so maybe we're something more distant than that now. I'd apologize but at this point we are what we are and I still get your letters in return so I'm going to assume you're not completely cross with me. I'm really glad that the jet-set life is still suiting you though, but it's been forever since you've been home. I need to get drunk. Keep me posted when you enter my area code, won't you? I know you will, but still, I'm asking...
Cuz I miss you. Immensely. Immeasurably. But that is a common theme these days. I miss many people. For many different reasons. And her. Fucking her. The last I told you was around my birthday in November. Well, she is gone. Moved on. Took everything with her, including her music. Which, if I'm being honest, hurt way more than I had anticipated it would. I don't get to know her anymore. And I often think why does any of this even matter? Why do I fucking care?
I think it's a few things. The first is that I'm not sure I've ever been rejected like this before so my ego is bruised up a bit. Which, I get, makes me sound like an ass but any time I've parted ways with someone, it's either been mutual or was my choice. This...is different and I'm being a child about it. I don't fucking like it. I want what I want and I'm not getting it. I should be stomping my feet right now. But fuck, she was so adamant about how not into what I was offering it was kind of impressive. And I never thought she actually meant it because how she said things sometimes. It was confusing. But no, by the end, she had nothing nice to say. There was no love there, which didn't really bring out the best of me.
And then the profile I came across...fuck me. Why be talking to me if that's what you wanted to do? Actually, it's not even that, it's the lack of honesty. She couldn't tell me straight that it was me and not some general idea about not wanting relationships or some i'm never going to put myself out there again bullshit. While also being like, I'm not over you, I miss you, I love you, and then tell me I'm putting words in her mouth when I remind her of the shit she says. This annoyed her I think because I tried to hold her accountable for the things she was doing and how it was making me feel, ya know? I guess that really wasn't my job but it annoyed her enough that she eventually left. Just tell me how you actually felt...she kept coming back enough, why?
Anyway, and besides all that bullshit, I think the other reason I'm having difficulties moving on is because...well,...I genuinely loved her stubborn ass. I don't think I've felt like this in a very long time. Do you remember Mick? This touched more parts of me, I opened everything, and now I remember why I closed everything after Mick. I don't like this feeling. And I never realized just how closed off I was or for long until I met her. And she got inside of me and it felt like home...it still did up until the last day we spoke...and now every part of my skin right now feels likes it is simmering, just about to catch on fire. Like every atom is just vibrating as the distance between us grows. I just miss her. I would still do anything for her. God knows I tried. I just wanted her to let me love her but she was never comfortable with it. I don't know if she didn't trust it or if she felt like she had to show up in the same way. She didn't. I didn't ask for it or expect it. She just had to be herself. I mean, fuck, that's what I fell in love with.
I don't know...it doesn't feel...finished? I know that's delusional. And you should really slap me across the face for thinking so. But, this doesn't feel right to me. Maybe it just wont and I need to make peace with that.
And now I'm dreaming about her, more than I ever did when we were in each others lives. The fact that I was the one, in whatever kinda 'ship' that was, that was too open and too vulnerable, and needed to talk everything to death...well, the fucking irony. amirite?
I'm not really sure what to do...do I sit with this or do I move? I've so far chosen to move. I've met some women but they don't hold my attention, I get bored and well...they just aren't fucking her. And I suppose that's not fair to them cuz they're all smart, substantial women. But anyway, shortly before we stopped talking I made a joke that she wouldn't find anyone better than me on those apps...she concurred and said I had ruined everything/everyone for her. I told her the feeling was mutual. I then sat with this exchange for awhile, confused.
And then, after asking for another chance, we stopped talking. Likely forever.
But that's it. I appreciate you letting me ramble about this. I needed it out of my head to process it. I've been putting it off for a few weeks now and, if I'm being honest, I started this letter like 4 or 5 times only to give up and come back.
I hope you're well,
S
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