Christmas = Nice, Quiet and Homey
I had a really nice and super quiet Christmas with my parents. The new puppy and I packed our bags early Christmas morning and drove the hour out to their place. While in her crate, ‘Tini managed to chew through her leash, so when we got to Mom and Dad’s we had to do some improvising with some rope. That was fine, and we were able to walk around the lake and enjoy the unseasonably wonderful weather.
The thing that pissed me off on our walks: my parents live in a kind of “weekender” neighborhood where some people have houses on the lake just to spend the weekends, and then there are some shady kind of places sprinkled in. I sometimes wonder if these are crack/meth/whore houses or somesuch because they are just freaking shady to me. Many times these houses have dogs who are possibly guard dogs or whatever. Sometimes these dogs get out of their fences or the owners just don’t give a shit. So, my poor little puppy girl was walking on her leash and a couple of times these GIANT and menacing big dogs came bounding up, leaping and barking. These kinds of dogs scare me, and they freaked me out – I had to swoop in in pick my puppy off the ground so they wouldn’t eat her in one single bite! Come on, people. Please show some neighborly respect. I don’t care if you do live in a crack house, at least be a friendly crack house!
Mom and Dad were great – we had a fantastic visit, and for once I didn’t feel like crying when we said goodbye. They were feeling good and chipper and not like the OLD folks they act like sometimes. I know they’re getting older, but sometimes it feels like they are trying to be old people. This time was better, happier, sweeter.
I’m thankful.
Still, I drove home Christmas night and cried into my pillow. Not sure why, but then again, I am. While Chirstmas was really nice with my parents and my puppy, I’m just plain heartbroken. Or I guess, simply broken. Still.
Puppy = Love
And then, every day my little bundle of joy makes me so happy. I’m thrilled that I have her in my life and that I can bring her to work every day. We took a few days off and I thought that I would get a lot accomplished, and I did get a lot of bonding, playing and training in with ‘Tini. It was really nice and I’m glad I had those few days off.
She’s getting much better at walking on her leash. I don’t believe she’d ever been on one before I’d gotten her 2 ½ weeks ago. She’s doing really well with the house training, considering it’s pretty freezing outside (at least at night). And I’m still working on leaving her in the house alone in the crate – I haven’t really been able to do this yet for more than 15 minutes at a time, mainly because I don’t want her barking and screaming and pissing off the neighbors. I think she’ll be fine, I just need to pull the trigger on this one.
We’ll keep working!
The Bulldog = Confusion
What to say about this? Not much else. He went to California over Christmas, and while we did talk quite a bit, there were times when I really wanted to connect with him and he was nowhere to be found. He’s a tough one – complicated, opinionated, moody, funny and sweet – all wrapped into one package.
It’s complicated and he’s impacted my life in a huge way.
He’s added a layer of complication that on the one hand I did not need, but on the other hand, I desperately needed. Needed something to take my mind off of…
SexyPants = The End.
Please remind me to never, ever again reach out to this guy. Please. See, we had this little thing going where we would talk – yes, we finally realized that it was over, but we’d still talk. It was good, soothing (to both of us, I know), and even fun. But something has changed in the last few weeks and it ended up that I was the only one reaching out.
He did come to visit once during the holidays to meet my pup, and it was nice and all, but I should have known that it was…I don’t know what it was…the final goodbye?
Because I made the BIG mistake of calling him this morning only to hear that he was leaving on an exotic vacation in a few hours, and I blew it all by being weird and kind of jealous and stupid about the whole thing. What is wrong with me? It was a stressful conversation and I made a fool of myself.
Hopefully this embarrassment will be the END OF IT FOREVER. I can’t even believe what a dumbass I am/was. I gotta stop all of this negative talk about myself, but I’m just so fucking angry at myself right now.
New Year = New Opportunity
And so we come to the beginning of a new year, and I couldn’t be happier that 2014 is coming to a close. I HAVE to stop clinging to the past. I HAVE to look forward and not back. I gotta stop sabotaging my well-being. It truly is ridiculous. Maybe if I get myself back into the good habit of writing I’ll detail all of this out, but let’s just say that I was horrible, TERRIBLE to myself in 2014. I treated myself worse than I’ve ever let anybody else treat me. And goddammit, I’m worth so much more than what I did to myself. It’s time to love me. I don’t know if I ever truly have before, but it’s time to treat myself with some respect and kindness. After all, it’s clear that nobody else is going to do it.
The Bulldog describes me as “happy-go-lucky”. Clearly he doesn’t know me that well.
Wow. This ended on a strange note.
Goodbye, 2014 = Hello, Something Better
Happy New Year’s Eve Eve.
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