Dear God,
The past two days have been filled with so much pain. My whole body felt like it was writhing—sharp pain in my lower back shooting upward through my spine, into my neck, into my head, and all the way down to the soles of my feet. No matter how I tried to sleep, I could only feel a constant, pulsating ache throughout my entire body. The pressure in my sinuses was overwhelming; every sneeze felt like my head was too full, as if the pain pressed against every part of my skull. I coughed, sneezed, and brought up mucus again and again. Even now, I still feel lingering pain in my lower back, but I plan to get another massage soon.
At times, I felt like I could barely move, as if I could only crawl. But on Saturday, I treated myself to a massage, and it helped tremendously. The therapist found so many knots in my body—it was unreal. I plan to schedule another one today and, if I can, accomplish a few small things like unpacking my suitcases.
During the nights, when the pain was at its worst, my thoughts kept returning to my HR meeting. I wasn’t even thinking about the situation with the cop car anymore. Instead, I felt like my body was paying the price, and now it’s my responsibility to get insurance as soon as possible. I called one company and was quoted $165 a month, which felt extremely high. I’m hoping to find something closer to $65–$110, and I will continue searching in the morning. I also need to handle small claims court, reschedule a court date for a prior ticket, and take care of a few things at my parents’ house.
I may bring my parents breakfast in the morning. I hope I can get there early enough before my dad leaves.
I know I have calls to make tomorrow. I need to get my life in order—pay bills, complete work, and handle responsibilities. While I’m not glad I was sick, I am grateful it happened over the weekend and not during workdays.
I feel a bit afraid to check my work schedule. I know others would be excited about travel opportunities, but part of me feels weary. I love my parents deeply, and I don’t want to be far from them. I love my nephew too—he’s so young and full of life, even if his routine is the complete opposite of mine. He has discipline and structure, while I’m still trying to find mine.
Right now, I’m lying in bed, looking around my room—my bookshelf filled with books and DVDs, my lavender walls, my watermelon-printed sheets, and the soft glow of my white Christmas lights that I keep up all year. These small things bring me comfort and happiness.
Today, I understood more clearly that I’ve put my dad in difficult positions. No wonder he said, “I don’t want to know.” He loves me deeply, and I love him just as much. I want to grow and no longer make choices that place that kind of burden on him.
If I’m honest, I regret some of my past actions. I’ve taken risks I shouldn’t have, and I see now how dangerous those choices were. But I also remember calling my parents when I needed help, and I’m grateful for their guidance and love. They have been there for me through everything.
Because of them, I am committed to staying away from addiction. I believe I’ve made it about 60 days, and I want to continue moving forward. I want to take care of my body—through rest, better habits, and nourishment. Even something as simple as eating soup felt healing today.
I’ve learned a lot from my travels, and I’m still learning. I want to grow not only in discipline but also in how I present myself and care for myself.
Most of all, I’m grateful to feel better. Even writing this, I feel lighter. My relationship with You may not be perfect, but it is honest. I don’t hide who I am—I bring everything to You, knowing You already understand me fully.
Your Word says we have not because we ask not, so I am asking for change.
I pray in the name of Jesus that You would improve my living situation and bring me into a place of comfort and peace. Help me find the best opportunities to furnish my home—dressers, a bookshelf, a bed frame, a soft mattress, and even a kitchen table and couch. Guide me to an apartment with space, perfect lighting for me, and beauty—hardwood floors, not carpet, and a place that feels like home. Bless me with the ability to afford what I need, including a reliable car and even simple comforts like a good cappuccino or latte maker machine.
In my career, help me never lose my drive. Give me clarity and organization as I work on my videos and music. Let me move forward with joy, not overwhelm. Help me choose opportunities that align with my values, never out of desperation, but out of purpose and integrity.
Above all, align my decisions with Your will.
I love You.
Amen.
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