This weekend was… a significant display of… what is very wrong with me.
I stayed home and didn’t get anything done. The only two times I left the house were for rehearsal and for the dog park. Despite having long lists of shit that needed to get done and a clear, sunny, 70 degree day on Saturday. I even skipped going to the theater as a patron after having paid for tickets to support friends in a show!
Nala vomited a lot on Saturday, so my head is partly telling myself “You were worried about her, so you wanted to make sure to stay home and keep an eye on her without exposing her to other dogs or stimuli.” Which could be a reasonable approach, but is clearly just an excuse. How can I prove that? Because while I was “staying home for the dog”, I could have cleaned the kitchen or done laundry or done the dishes. But as none of the home chores got done, despite a fervent need to do so.... “for the dog” is bullshit.
I slept in on Saturday until about 11 a.m. and I slept in on Sunday until about 10 a.m. So, there is an argument to say- “Dude, with how constantly you’re burning the candle at both ends, you needed a dead weekend. And you didn’t even do a dead weekend as you still went to rehearsal for 3 hours on Sunday and took the dog to the dog park for 90 minutes after!” And that’s… that could be acceptable, if “rest” ever left me feeling “rested”. It doesn’t and hasn’t. Hell, Sunday night, I went to bed around 8 p.m. Was awakened at 10. Was awakened at 12. Then when I woke up at 7, I still could not and did not want to get out of bed!
So a complete inability to get things done, a feeling of difficult effort just to get out of bed in the morning, a constant feeling of being rundown/burnt out/shut down.
Are there any more classic symptoms of clinical depression I’m not exhibiting? Falling back into negative addictions? Check. Inability to do basic chores to create a more healthy and conducive environment? Check. Weight issues? Check. Trouble sleeping? Check. Anhedonia? Check. It’s all.... pretty obvious when you think about it. And truthfully? I guess there’s some truth to saying, “I’m surprised it took so long to get this bad.” I switched meds in 2021. We went to a more “pain response” less “depression response” medication to work around sexual dysfunction and see if we could scale me back to something that affected as targeted an issue as possible. And while these pages certainly show the depression increasing steadily… and job and social life providing plenty of logical reasons for it.... perhaps this is just.... what my life is without medication specifically targeting the depression? It situates other things, too. Why was the depression expressing itself as it was during Hermia? Honor, Anxiety, and Control. I want to be a good boyfriend, so anxiety. Hermia uses control to work around her own issues, so while I was one of those elements for her to attempt to control… that was also addressing some of my issues. But… honor as double edged sword. I still cannot tell you with confidence whether I stayed with Nancy for so long because I loved her or simply because honor demanded it. I don’t know confidently enough to say. BUT… depression plus my twisted sense of honor? I think you see it in my Sunday. I was “so bad” that I didn’t even go to the theater on Saturday night for my own enjoyment! YET still went to the theater on Sunday because “people were counting on me”. I have been cast in a show, it is my responsibility to be at as many rehearsals as I physically can. Honor demands attendance, and I went. I am a pet parent. Nala is dependent on me for her needs- whether food, shelter, health, or entertainment. If she’s healthy enough and I have time and the weather is acceptable… she should get at least one walk or dog park a day. She didn’t ask to be part of this fucked up non-family; we kidnapped her and raised her.... I have a responsibility to see to her care and upkeep. Honor demands care and I took her to the dog park. NOW the intelligent among you would say, “Okay, but you have a responsibility to take care of yourself and your surroundings. Wouldn’t honor demand that you take care of yourself and your house and all of that shit?” AND… that’s why I previously called it a “twisted sense of honor.” Because, my theory, it is enhanced and manipulated by my deep-seated issues surrounding co-dependence. I can honor my obligations to others; I cannot hold my honor when I am the only one that benefits.
In separate news? Since Saturday was a warm day and a good example of what to potentially expect for the coming summer? We’re already sounding alarm bells for this being a long, horrible, difficult summer. One nice day?
High Speed Chase through the County. Juvenile murdered Juvenile. Violent rape in an apartment complex’ laundry room. Police standoff with a violent, drunk man holding his 3 kids hostage at gun point. Small town- Defendant claiming self defense despite initial evidence suggesting the gunman shot the guy four times, went back to his car to reload the gun, then returned to shoot the guy 4 more times. Those are just the “public news” highlights. Welcome to our community! Meanwhile, our governor announced how proud she was that Iowa was considered “Most Affordable State”. And when you look into it..... yeah! We have one of the worst economies, our state GOP just voted to add extra costs to healthcare state-wide, we’re decimating our schools.... we’re not affordable, we’re the canary in the coal mine for MAGA-rot. We’ve been GOP Super Majority since MAGA 1.0. MAGA policies put into action without meaningful delay or pushback. Yes, folks… I am saying that if you want to see where the Country will go without pushback on MAGA… look no further than Iowa! Iowa is your “MAGA Christian Nationalist GOP” dream state… if and when you aren’t propped up by an economy like Texas. In other words.... if the MAGAts get their wet dream wish of a civil war? The MAGA country that unfolds would look a lot more like Iowa than any other state. Which… is another reason to ride out the storm here for now. I’m to a place where I’m more likely to flee to Canada and request asylum than I am to simply go through the process of moving to..... name a state. Because that’s a part of the problem, too. Name a state. Name a state where it isn’t too expensive to live, where I could still find a job that didn’t entirely ignore my education and experience while not simply putting me into criminal law, where I’m not subject to a MAGA government. And I am actually trying, in my way, regarding bettering my lot. Even with this significant depression. Did you know the local university is looking for professors? Of the 19 teaching positions currently open, my education MIGHT qualify me for:
(1) Assistant Professor- Business Law; or (2) Assistant Professor of Religious Ethics.
Now.... I have no idea how to do those jobs, what those jobs would require in daily practice, and my professional experience would suggest that NEITHER of those jobs would benefit from my experience… and the salary offer is NOT listed with any of the jobs so.... who knows if it would even be 40k let alone higher.... and (1) Business Law prefers an MBA; and (2) Religious Ethics requires a Doctorate, so I’ve got no chance anyway but..... I’m not.... speaking about this from a position of “I’m not even trying.” I’m looking. Can I find a different job that pays acceptably without moving? Not so far. Would moving to a different state at this point be random and literally just an exercise in “I spent 10 years saying a move will fix things and it never did… but this time a move will fix things!”? Which.... sure… I’m sure feeling trapped in my own life is probably impacted by and impacting my clinical depression. But I have to be realistic, too. Throwing a dart at a map of the United States and moving there is irresponsible, foolish, and wildly inappropriate. Especially if I do that before or instead of actually trying to resolve the issues inside of myself first. Because… quitting everything and moving to the southwest to do something with turquoise” sounds like I would be begging to resolve things without putting in the work, and doing so without having the resources. And… yet.... welcome to the Catch 22 of Resource Issues. THIS IS WHY THE GOP BOOTSTRAP BULLSHIT IS INHERENTLY RIDICULOUS. If you have resources, in a functioning society, you should be able to find services. But if an area doesn’t have resources, those services dry up and go away. Everyone keeps saying “Rural America is suffering so of course they vote MAGA” and we keep seeing how that is no different than saying “Rural America is dying so of course they keep loading their gun with bullets.” HASTENING or AIDING in your own destruction is seen as..... the better option… when you keep saying the Democrats ignore you? And this is where so many think pieces have come from. Because… too many don’t realize.... the Rural America that was dying… felt entirely ignored by the Democrats. It is one of the reasons why Culture War talking points were so effective, despite the spiral of hatred that has happened since. At first? It was easy rhetoric. “Look at the Democrats who want to help the gays, trans, and minorities. Is anyone helping you folks?” So… “We vote against democrats because they believe in helping other people WHEN WE NEED HELP!” Now, of course, in the age of Trump… everything is pushed to cartoonish extremes. Iowa spends literal months pushing Anti-Trans Anti-Civil Rights bills while Iowans suffer, starve, and lose out on healthcare. The problem is… we’re a very stubborn people. So, showing Iowans things like “See- the GOP voted to increase healthcare costs to insurance companies; then rejected an amendment that said health care companies couldn’t raise costs on the insured”..... doesn’t make them stop voting GOP.
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