anxiety in addressing the public

walled off and i miss you
who i mean by “you” is unclear,
even to me.
it’s a love triangle, but only
psychologically
and i let my racing pulse prevent me from being how i want to be.
and with blank mind,
i fall to bed each night like i’m just cogs.
too afraid to look you in the eyes and feel present
and too vain to tell you that i’ve lost me, and you will too.
feeling underwater with my lungs not full of air
when my heart is in my throat, in my gut, in my head,
it cannot be with you.