Perhaps to address an elephant in the room… or maybe not an elephant but an obvious feature of what this place has morphed into:
I know… I’m bitching about work a lot. I’ve been showing all of the signs of deep clinical classical burnout for so long that I have burnout symptoms ABOUT burnout symptoms. I totally understand, see that, and appreciate that. And yes- that is because this job is fundamentally fucked when Judges aren’t following the law, when we have higher crime rates than our population would suggest, and when we’re having a DEEP state-wide attorney shortage so that even if this job would ever get a second attorney- those chances get slimmer every year. BUT if I’m being honest, it is also the nature of the job in total. YES, it sucks uniquely at this location. But “Criminal Prosecutor” is designed to be a stressful job of insane hours, high demand, and fucking shithole people. And the honest truth is? If Nancy and I could have worked out? I honestly think the last set up was best. If Nancy and I could have gotten our shit together as a married couple.... beautiful house, small community, access to larger communities, and I’m prosecuting sex crimes so- while deeply stressful, it was also meaningful… with a home life that was able to function. Because especially towards the end… “able to function” was the high bar I was hoping for. But.... now? Money Pit house, Theater Community, large (for Iowa) community but small for most other states, and I’m prosecuting traffic crimes so- at least 800 percent MORE cases and each one stupid as fuck.... with a personal life that is abysmal on its best day. I see that clearly, too.
But I’m telling you “Just quit” or “Just move” doesn’t work for me. Packing my life up and going somewhere on a whim will end in disaster for me. BEST CASE MOST LIKELY SCENARIO for that? I wind up in a place with zero social connections, burning through my savings paying for ridiculous rent, while trying to find a job in a grocery store for minimum wage. Technically the BEST CASE SCENARIO for that? I wind up in a place with zero social connections, find an online match quickly, become the leech boyfriend that moved in with his brand new girlfriend too soon, and look for work while clinging to the relationship since a breakup now means homelessness. THAT is Best Case Scenario. I just… I am not a person that can move to a complete void and be okay. I need something there to move to. Friends who will take care of me if I need, family who will take care of me if I need, a job… something. Because, and I’m intransigent about it for this specific reason.... if I move somewhere with ZERO friends or family and ZERO job prospects.... the likelihood of my suicide does increase to unacceptable levels. I know that sounds over dramatic but there are certain things I do because I’m fairly certain I will end myself and in dishonorable ways. I have vowed a suicide method that is exceptionally physically difficult… that vow is built upon my honor and was solicited as a reliable way to keep me honor bound to not take my own life. But that’s the part of “sometimes it is a sickness” that bleeds in. Put me somewhere where I don’t have a soul to talk to, where I have no purpose and no job? Dishonorable Death would become a daily thought. NOT TO MENTION if I am somewhere where I don’t have a soul to talk to, where I have no purpose and no job… I’m actually closer in physical ability to dying the honor bound way anyway. I would like to avoid putting myself in that scenario.
SO.... I’m not ignoring everyone and I’m not “just some loser who likes to complain.” Just quit… would start a spiral. I would be a ball of panic and depression unable to function and would, then, accept any job available- thus typically meaning Grocery Store, Fast Food, or Retail Sales.... which wouldn’t help. Just move… would start a spiral. I would be a ball of panic and depression unable to function and would fall further and further into that spiral with deepening resentment and shame- with no hope of relief as there would be no one around who knew me and would be capable of interrupting that spiral. I am willing to endure pain, suffering, and mythic levels of despair..... if I have people and a job… even if the people and the job are causing pain, suffering, and the despair. Enduring pain, suffering, and despair without people or a job? Becomes much much more dangerous for me.
Above the picture is the stuff I wrote during lunch. This is being written closer to time of publication. After writing the above, I realized that one way of saying what I was? CO-DEPENDENCE. On people, on job. Even if miserable. Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on needing a job or needing people. Which is always a struggle for me to identify because (intellectualizing) I know that people need people. Every decade, there’s some new movement declaring that people don’t need people, and the strongest people are SOLO… and our current world has financial and pursuit of political power motivations to constantly ring that “STAY ISOLATED” bell over and over. But people do need people. We are a species that developed because we could cooperate in social groups. I don’t want to give the man undue credit, but I believe it was Sigmund… y’know what- I’ll look it up: Freud specifically said, “as an English writer has wittily remarked, the man who first flung a word of abuse at his enemy instead of a spear was the founder of civilisation.” So Freud was referencing John Hughlings Jackson. We are a people that needs people. But I guess I just… still.. naturally fall into co-Dependency traits. Because I’m not being macabre or morose or over dramatic. I honestly believe… if I were to just pack my shit and fuck off to somewhere to live where I don’t have friends, family, or employment… the odds of my death increase far too significantly to risk the enterprise.
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