So, I forgot that in the current age there can be zero information gathering without a cost. Of the multiple phone calls seeking service I want and need to do; I was able to complete one yesterday. It gave me the information and the information given to me established that it is not the service I need at the present time. Should be done, right? OF course not! I had a phone call today from their Sales Team to make sure I “really got all of the information” I was looking for and not “overlooking a service that can help.” I was… relatively direct for still being in my Lawyer Mode. I laid out: My biggest current problem is overgrowth and invasive plants. The plants exist, it isn’t “a concern for future plants” so my primary concern is essentially hacking down plants. Your service is chemical only so it does not meet my requirements. OF course that was not sufficient to express “I do not need the services you are offering.” Because the Sales Team response was to double down. “We could still come in and spray, no problem! That could make the plants you want to come down weaker and easier to come down when you get to it. Plus, probably stop other kinds of weeds and invasive plants from coming in while you’re doing that.” I kept returning with the “I am seeking X service and clearly am struggling to find someone offering X service. UNTIL X service is resolved, I have no interest in YOUR service.” And as I kept returning to that, the Sales Team kept returning to, “Okay, but the grow season is right around the corner. We’ll be in your area next week. Let’s get a limited contract signed so that we can do the preemptive spraying next week and then.... whenever you get the service you’re looking for, we can come in right after?” And… I mean… yeah, they’re the sales team. They are tasked with closing sales. As the economy further turns to shit, the luxury of using a lawn service probably gets cut out of people’s lives.... so they are nervous about business FY 2026. But.... the concept here strikes me as wild, actually. To over simplify.... I checked the silverware drawer looking for a knife. I couldn’t find a knife. Someone else comes up and offers me a spoon. I don’t want a spoon. I wasn’t looking for a spoon. “Okay, but using the spoon- you could probably weaken whatever you were looking to cut, right?” I wasn’t looking for a spoon. “Sure, but you’ll need a spoon eventually, so just take the spoon now, yeah?” I wasn’t looking for a spoon. “How about I leave you the handle of the spoon and we’ll just agree that you’ll take the bowl after you find a knife?” I wasn’t looking for a spoon!!
My work day was… manageable. I’m still feeling… HA! I totally forgot to mention it!
Okay… the wind here has been BAD. Like… Nala trying to bury herself under my arm bad! Last night, Nala was happy to go to bed and lean against me. About 3-something in the morning, I wake up and notice that (in my sleep) I had thrown my CPAP off my face. But Nala was still in bed leaning on me. Strange… usually if I’ve been tossing and turning so much that I rip the mask off, she’s already in the living room. Then I looked around the room. Then got up and looked around the house. Then looked outside. TOTAL BLACKOUT. No power at all. Dialed up my cell phone and checked
MID-AMERICAN ENERGY: Of the many states we service, current outage problems are only found in IOWA. Click on Iowa Of the many counties we service, current outage problems are only found in YOUR COUNTY. Click on My County Of the many cities we service, current outage problems are only found in YOUR CITY with a reported 2,703 homes currently without power.
THAT’s why I ripped the CPAP off. I couldn’t breathe (power needed for CPAP) and in my sleep, I ripped off the thing on my face instinctively. Doesn’t make me feel any better as I feel like I was choking but… at least I have an explanation. Of course… can’t get back to sleep without the CPAP. Dangerous on a lot of levels. Power came on around 6 a.m. I went back to bed for about 72 minutes before getting dressed and going to work. So… now......
My work day was… manageable. I’m still feeling very very tired. I mean, I’m still clearly down with whatever cold this is. I’m coughing, fatigued, sore, still a bit of a sore throat.... and there are a lot of judges and attorneys walking around with masks today so… shit is pervasive. Add that to the shit sleep this morning? I was very very tempted to go home early. Just… take a nap. Because we’re back to rehearsal tonight! I haven’t had rehearsal since Monday. Tuesday’s rehearsal was cancelled due to Stage Construction. Wednesday and Thursday rehearsals were for “actors with speaking lines only”. So..... today is my first rehearsal in a while. We’re supposed to do Act 1 with blocking. I’m excited for it as that means I can finally start seeing how this show is actually going to come together. But also.... I’m walking into this thing exhausted already. THEN? Saturday is going to be just as tiring.
Morning: Tax Appointment
Afternoon: Rehearsal
Evening: National Anthem and Halftime Performance
So that’s.... a lot of doing things and I admit, I’m nervous as hell for that. Then Sunday, I have work to do - largely because the Appeal bullshit. So… yeah. I.... probably should have just gone home for a bit of a nap this afternoon. BUT couldn’t. Pushing onward, pushing forward!
I found myself thinking about time and past selves. I stopped myself from “time travel” thinking.... I don’t need to be so obsessed with the past and trying to relive it in my head. THOUGH, I do have to admit… the date I would return to has changed. I went back and forth with whether I would send my consciousness to before certain specific events or not and typically thought, “Those were serious events that shaped me. For better or worse, it would be unwise to alter them.” I don’t feel that way anymore. I would send my consciousness to June 1998. Re-do everything that led me to this point in High School. Which transitions back to the original point and demonstrates why I have to actively stop myself from “time travel” thinking!
I found myself thinking about time and past selves. I honestly feel like I have nothing in common with the version of me that existed between 2011 and 2020. That isn’t necessarily me saying, “Married Me was a completely different guy” but it is me openly stating “being married did alter a lot of how I thought or interpreted the world.” Married, building a life for my family, learning in law school and struggling in the Real World to secure a future for my family.... that version of me does feel like a completely different person. And… it isn’t just because Nancy isn’t here anymore. That Chris hadn’t been on a stage since 2003. That Chris hadn’t had to memorize a script in a decade. The truth really is that this version of me, the current modern version.... despite being older, fatter, and much more heavily educated..... THIS version of me has more in common with High School Chris. College Chris was amorphous and ill-defined. Nancy’s Boyfriend- I knew how to do that job. Nancy’s Husband? Well, if you can only grasp one dream, make it the one you want most. But this Chris? It really really does feel like two people. For the 15 years that I was hers, I was another man. I was a husband. I was a proper adult. I was a Law Student and Baby Lawyer figuring things out. I don’t even know that guy anymore. But single, lonely, tired, and busy while maintaining that “throwing myself into theater” is all I need? I recognize that kid all too well! He wore a bit more black, weighed 130 pounds less, and couldn’t grow facial hair to save his life. But that kid… that kid I recognize. But I did notice something significantly different and less pleasant.
That kid.... the version of me at 17 or 18.... he’d never had sex before. And he could imagine it. He could imagine the act, the experience. He didn’t know it and couldn’t have imagined it perfectly but he could imagine it. I realized this week that the current version… the me that writes this… I can’t imagine myself in a relationship… I can’t imagine myself making out with someone… I can still vaguely imagine sex… like a half-remembered dream with ecstatic visuals.... but kissing someone? Being emotionally vulnerable and close with someone? I can’t hold that picture in my head. I can see other people. Like going through a Video Store and seeing the covers of various movies with couples holding hands, or kissing, or smiling at each other lovingly… but I can’t imagine myself in that position. I cannot close my eyes and conjure to mind an image of the same activity starring me.
I’ve grown so tired that my leg pain is returning with a vengeance. That is a particularly bad sign before a rehearsal requiring dance.
Rehearsal was rough.
My absolute least favorite part, besides the fact that I suck at singing, is when choreography is proven to have zero basis on reality. For example… when a song was choreographed to take twenty feet, but the dancers are given less than 5. Which happened tonight. Not to mention… the heavy number of scenes that weren’t choreographed at all or had ever actually been rehearsed before. I know… we open in less than a month. And this is very on brand for these folks. It is why even though they COULD produce near-professional quality shows… they never do. We honestly have to re-work the entire song but in reality.... they’ve already said that they aren’t going to do that… “we’ll just figure it out.” Moving onto the end of My Friends? Moving on to song 10B? Moving on to song after song.... why weren’t these choreographed? Ever? Why is “we’ll deal with it when we get there” an acceptable strategy when AS THE DIRECTORS- YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT SONGS ARE IN THE PLAY, AND HAVE BLOCKED/CHOREOGRAPHED THEM KNOWING WHAT SPACE YOU WERE DEALING WITH. Add in the number of days we’ve had off?? LIKE.... we could have been learning choreography instead of having several days off several weeks in a row. I get that I’m like this in part because.... I’m holding us back enough with my shit singing and I get upset when the people who are supposed to be in charge don’t plan..... seriously, there’s no reason for it. I just.... I hope we can fix it, I hope we can get it, and I hope the show we wind up sharing with people isn’t “amateurish crap” when it doesn’t need to be.
Fingers crossed and heavy prayers for the National Anthem/Solos tomorrow!!!!!
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