Interestingly enough This video won’t play from here, can’t embed it either, you’ll have to go to you tube to watch it. So here’s a Spotify link as well. I believe the music fits the tone.
https://open.spotify.com/track/5yDXKaZPyj8ojRJ2nacbLX?si=dfd5e29ac79f41cf
Let’s backtrack a bit. After arriving home from Texas, back in march of 24.
My father paid for the month of march of my brother’s apt. So i had one month to go and move all his stuff out. there was no one to help me, I couldn’t ask ashley or anyone else. Ashley was the only one working, thought I was getting some money from short term disability, we were still waiting on money from the sale of the house. Plus we were basically supporting her sister and nephew so she didn’t lose her house.
Scott’s apartment was… well it wasn’t that it was trashed. It was the copious amount of drugs and illegal things that I had to sort through and get rid of. Fentanyl powder was everywhere, not to mention the meth and other things. All my brothers wanted things from Scott’s apt, but wanted me to pay for the shipping of things to texas. My older half brother told me what he wanted and then paid me for all the shipping. He doesn’t’ have a ton of money but he knew I couldn’t afford it either. My step brothers insisted I just send it all via a shipping container (pod?) and cover the cost. My step brothers own their own business and are practically millionaires. Legal business? Definitely not, but I refused to be part of it.
I spent every day there trying my best to clean(sanitize) the place up and get it ready for a mover. I moved what I could, but suddenly I was barely able to lift anything over 10 lbs. I’d spend 6 to 8 hours a day there, cleaning what i could, sorting things moving them to my car in trash bags. Saving what i could and giving away things. It was exhausting and emotionally draining and I went home in massive amounts of pain every night.
The whole time his landlord kept trying to come and ‘help’ insisting I pay him for cleaning, or storage or this or that. I refused every time. He would get mad that I would show up without asking him permission. It was a lot. He threatened me, threatened my dad etc.
Also Scott was involved in a lot of identity theft. I’m not saying he was wrong, or right. I don’t care. But i had to move the evidence and get rid of everything. Not to mention the guns and so many god damn power tools. Finally at the last day or two I was able to get everything moved out with the help of a mover. Had to get a separate storage unit and pay for it alone.
I’m sure that this didn’t help my back problems at all, but usually I was just numb. It’s something that had to be done and I was the only one who could.
Mostly I felt anger. I left texas so I didn’t have to deal with my family anymore and get pulled into their activities. Now here I am in the middle of it, everyone bitching at me because I won’t spend the money for them to have shit that they were just going to sell off anyways.
Just like fucking always, I have to clean up everyone’s mess. Can’t wait for my dad and mom to die and name me the executors of their will so i can deal with their shit too.
Going to physical therapy was easy compared to this, but all of it left me just… done.
Let’s go back to march again.
A few days after I arrived back, a friend of mine asked me about his brother’s bachelor party that i was supposed to attend. Whoops, turns out b/c of my move that my invite got lost in the mail. I went and probably shouldn’t have. Drinking, pain, loss of my brother etc., rather embarrassing, I didn’t get too drunk just acted like an idiot. I think the muscle relaxers had part to do with it but I don’t know. either way I acted like an idiot.
Was still invited to the wedding. Which took place on April 20th. Which is also Ashley’s daughter’s birthday. So we had 2 things to do that day. The wedding was over an hour away so the drive and my back didn’t help. Parking was atrocious, had to walk almost 20 minutes to get to the venue. We arrived about 5 minutes late. But they had set the ceremony later so we still had time.
My back was killing me already so made our way to where we are supposed to be… the couple got bored and decided to do the ceremony early. So I missed that, and food was already being served.
Great. so i missed the wedding, can’t eat b/c i feel so nauseous from the pain, plus the menu has fish and mushrooms, which ashley is allergic to so she can’t eat either.
The seats were hard wood chairs so I couldn’t really sit. We were there for 20 minutes, I finally saw the bride and groom, apologized and told them I couldn’t stay. The bride was understandably furious. The groom, my actual friend, shrugged it off, he had family and new in-laws to deal with.
Our friendship had already been iffy, but now it’s pretty much gone. We talk once in a blue moon. If that. Such is life.
6 days after the wedding was my birthday. I’d been trying to deal with my back pain as something that would go away eventually, the doctors seemed to think it’s something that could be fixed, but none of them would give me any definite answers. It was always vague and…noncommittal.
My birthday is an event I hate. As a child my family always forgot. sometimes for months. even now my mom always sends me a text in march about my birthday. My father sometimes remembers in the month of, but rarely. Gifts were never given. It was treated as an inconvenience every year.
Ashley’s daughter’s birthday is the 20th, 6 days before mine. She goes all out for her daughter, every single year. I’ve told her before not to worry about my birthday, i’ll get sad and want to be alone for it and it’s best if she just goes along with it. Everytime someone tries something for my birthday it goes badly and i’d rather they just not.
For some reason on my birthday it all came to a head. Ashley has EDS she’s been in chronic pain since she was 15. I however have never dealt with this. I’ve always been able to shrug off injuries within a few days. The thought of having to deal with this pain for the rest of my life, I just couldn’t deal with it. I was getting no sympathy from anyone.
I walked out of Ashley’s sister’s house to my car, fully intending to go and get my brother’s gun from storage and kill myself. I sat on the steps of the house, looking out at the road. Once i get into the car there’s nothing anyone could do to stop me, no one knew I had the gun. Scott had kept it a secret, he wasn’t allowed to own guns anymore due to his various felony charges etc.
No one cared, nothing mattered. The only thing I had left to offer anyone was money. If i died, the insurance would pay out quite a bit. It would all go to Seth. Of course then his mother would weasel it out of him, she was going through a lot as well, not working and about to lose her house. which would make Seth homeless. So I’m sure she would convince him to
spend my money on her stuff.
As always, I have too many things to do and too many people relying on me to fucking quit. God damnit. I can’t leave Seth, he just turned 18. He’s adrift and has nothing going for him yet.
That was always my plan, get him to 18 and be done. But my job isn’t done. He’s not set up right.
I sat there for an hour. Finally I went back inside. No one noticed I was gone.
After the wedding, Ashley had brought up marriage. We had talked about it before and neither of us was interested in the concept. Didn’t see any reason for it. The only thing that appealed to me was that as my wife she would be able to be on my insurance, which from loreal was fantastic. Also, she can make end of life decisions. For instance, both of us want a DNR. And we know that each of us will respect that wish. Neither of us want our children or other family members to make that decisions, because they are selfish and will insist on keeping us alive.
Years ago we had joked that the only reason we would ever get married was for medical reasons.
I told Ashley to go ahead with plans for a wedding. Medically speaking it was the right choice, end of life decisions and what not.
2 weeks later my friend and former roommate, Mark, died. He had come back from the hospital 6 hours earlier.
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