I find myself feeling more and more isolated due to my disabilities. The constant pain makes doing the simplest things almost impossible. Running errands is a sure fire way to land myself in bed for days following the errand run.
Yesterday, I needed to finally have labs done that I have been procrastinating on getting drawn. I have been sitting on the order from my doctor since December! In my defense, she did ask me to wait a couple of months before having it done, so I could get into the specialists I needed to see. I figured it was time.
After the lab visit, Rick needed to get meds picked up from Kaiser, so we headed there. We had to park at the top of the parking structure, but thank goodness there were available spots close to the elevator. Rick had promised me a coffee from the coffee cart in the lobby, so we headed there first. I got a white chocolate mocha and it hit the spot. I ordered a medium and finished it before we left the pharmacy.
When I order a large, I never finish it. So I guess medium is the way to go. It was super yummy.
We had to wait for Ricks prescriptions to be ready, so we sat for about twenty minutes. No biggie. One thing about Kaiser pharmacies- there is ALWAYS a cute dog to admire. Yesterday, it was a Maltese mix named Tiger Lily.
We headed back in the direction of home, but Rick wanted to smoke a cigarette in the underground parking of Target, so we did that. I told him I needed carrots and green onions, so we headed to the grocery store. We grabbed a few things, but I was hobbling in pain about three minutes into the shopping. I couldn’t walk up and down the aisles, so I had to strategize how to do it so that I didn’t end up in agony.
When we got home, Rick cleaned the kitchen and made us tuna salad on this amazing olive bread we got from the food pantry. We watched an episode of the Boys, and then I went to the bedroom for a little horizontal time. Rick came in and said that his daughter needed a ride to the Burbank airport in a few hours.
I rested while he got ready to go. I made dinner while he was gone. I baked the most humongous potato I have ever seen (It was vastly larger than my hand). I also made honey mustard dressing to use with a salad I chopped. Rick arrived home just as the timer for the oven went off. Perfect timing.
We watched two more episodes of the Boys while we ate the equivalent of three potatoes each. Slathered in real butter and cheddar cheese. Even though it was super tasty, my stomach did not agree with that.
That was Friday. Yesterday, Saturday, we didn’t do much of anything. We needed to leave the house to take two orders from Poshmark to the post office. Two $14 orders. The other day, we sent off a dress that sold for $65, and after fees, I will net $52. Not too shabby.
If Rick was working, that money would be for extras, or for fun. Now, I am planning on saving it for the next utility bill. Rick has a couple of weeks left on unemployment, and then I am not sure what is going to happen. I know he can draw $900 a month from the joint rental account with his mom and sister, and maybe they’ll agree to let us borrow their portions for a couple of months, just to cover the rent.
I am quite concerned about it. Work in Rick’s field is hard to come by. Rick has been networking, and I am hoping SOMETHING comes through. There’s only so much I can do with the inventory I have. I have been applying to be a part of paid focus groups, which can be done from home.
Yesterday, the internet broke me, and I made the decision to delete one of the apps I use the most. I was finding myself checking it every few minutes, too interested in what other people have going on in their lives, or getting emotional about news I was seeing. I felt my time would be better spent trying to have quality time with Rick.
When we got home from the post office, I was feeling a little down about something Rick said while we were driving. He is constantly joking. Sometimes, he playfully mocks me, and I definitely laugh right along with him. But yesterday, it was more pointed. Making light of my mom’s habit of judging everyone around her. Her habits were passed down to me, but not in the way of making snarky comments at strangers. It’s more like nosey observations and assumptions of what their lives look like. Yesterday, he was going on and on, and at first, I was laughing. Then I asked point blank if he thought I really was as bad as he was portraying me. He said of course not, he was poking fun at my mom.
I decided to just be quiet then. We drove the route home, and I suddenly blurted out what I was thinking. “I think you love the version of me that I was when we first met. You like the IDEA of me. But everything else is too much. And that’s okay. You deserve to be happy. Maybe that’s not with me.” He protested wholeheartedly.
“I love YOU. All of you. Healthy, not doing great. Walking, in a wheelchair, I don’t care.” I responded, “I think you love me more than I love myself.”
We came back to the apartment and I think in an effort to make me feel better, he stayed very close to me, and kept trying to kiss me. Not in an aggressive way at all. Sweetly. But when I am sad, I don’t want people in my face.
I suggested we play a board game, and he seemed enthusiastic. I plugged my phone in in the other room, and we spent the next two hours playing Othello. I made mint julep sodas with tiny bottles of Maker’s Mark and mint julep syrup from Kentucky, that were a gift from my bff Debi, for Christmas.
It was a lot of fun.
It was almost five by that point, so I decided to make dinner. Rick suggested something easy, but I am happiest in the kitchen. I came up with sliced potatoes and onions in layers, baked with salsa verde poured over, a Mexican corn salad, and refried black beans. It was delicious. We watched a couple of more episodes of the Boys.
I went to bed early, and fell asleep not long after I got in my comfiest sleeping position. Rick stayed up, and went for another walk. I am not sure when he came in to bed. I woke up at around 6:40, and then remembered that daylight savings time happened. So technically, it was 5:40, lol. So I didn’t actually sleep in.
Today, after we have coffee, we are FINALLY going to the laundromat to do the months of laundry we have had in laundry bags, taking up valuable space in our bedroom. We have been doing occasional small loads here at the apartment complex, but we have to use quarters, and while Rick was working, it was difficult to get to the bank during business hours to get the change we would need.
It will be a couple of hours at the laundromat, but we use the gigantic machines and do six loads at once, and it makes much quicker work of a monumental task. While our things are in the machines, we hang out and talk, or play on our phones.
Rick just got up and we had a good talk. I told him how I have been feeling lately, and he talked about his feelings too. We’re committed to staying together and improving ourselves as individuals and also collectively as a couple.
I am going to throw myself into my hobbies, and spending time with him, as opposed to living on the internet, because social media is wrecking my life.
I need to get back to taking my reselling more seriously. I think the talk helped Rick see a few things that he can do to help, and he has offered to set the television and hdmi cables up so we can test out gaming systems I have to try out in order to sell. I have large lots including the systems, and numerous games. This could very well bring in HUNDREDS of dollars. That would definitely take a bit of stress off for sure.
We are getting low on groceries again. We can go back to the pantry on Tuesday. Tonight, I am planning on a veggie soup with macaroni and some pinto beans. Salad and bread on the side.
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