Yesterday was our 2nd anniversary. I didn’t even realize until the afternoon. I walked in the bedroom where Rick was watching tv and told him. I knew he already had plans with his daughter, plans that I had preemptively bowed out of for the sake of self preservation. You see, when it comes to plans with his kids, now that they live in New York, it’s been expressed enough times that they want daddy/daughter/son time without including me. So when it was brought up that his daughter wanted to hang out on Tuesday evening, with the idea of her tagging along for plans we already had, I told him to just go without me.
I do not want to insert myself where I am not wanted. I also did not want to deal with any inevitable feelings of rejection IF they did decide to not include me after I agreed to go. I just took myself out of the equation. It’s safer.
I guess I thought we would do SOMETHING to celebrate today. I had therapy this morning, and after, we went to the food pantry to grab a few things for the cupboards. We got home, ate leftovers for lunch, and I took a thirty minute nap. When I got up a bit ago, I remarked to him that I had really hoped that we’d do something. Like it was just forgotten and set aside like it didn’t matter. I told him it was important to ME. He said, “But I show you I love you every day.” My brain told my mouth to stay shut in that moment. I knew nothing good would come from me expressing my hurt.
Saying something like that is akin to not doing anything for Valentine’s Day, or Mother’s Day… I am trying to formulate what I will say to him later about it. He went on a walk.
Therapy was productive but exhausting. I cried a lot. Lauren says that most of my behaviors come from fear of abandonment and rejection. We are trying to improve my reactions.
I also think that living through this hell here in the US is taking a tremendous toll on a lot of people. I see a lot of divorces happening. I am determined to make this work. My therapist doesn’t think we’re anywhere close to a point of worry.
Anyway, my feelings are feeling very large and encompassing. My head hurts. I just want to go to bed and cry. But I am going to sulk for a few, and then put the “everything is okay” mask back on. I learned all about that in childhood as the oldest daughter, who was expected to be amenable, quiet, and dutiful. Difficult emotions? Bury them. Smile. Pretend like everything is okay. Do whatever is needed to keep the status quo.
I know Rick isn’t happy. I think he loves the idea of me, but I have fallen short of what and whom he thought he was getting. I know he’d never agree with that statement. But I know I have not lived up to his expectations.
I despise my broken brain. Truly. If I lose him, my life is over. And I mean that.
That’s enough screaming into the void for today.
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