Dear God,
I woke up thinking about a swimsuit from my dream. I was working with Anabel, and she was talking to me. She said she didn’t really want to spend time with someone — that she only did it because she felt like she had to. Then Rusty appeared. I don’t remember what he said, but he seemed distracted, talking to someone else.
I saw their second youngest daughter — I can’t remember her name right now — and she didn’t have the bathing suit. Then I saw Anabel’s mom. She looked surprised to see me, but she hugged me warmly and asked what I was doing there.
Then I woke up.
The dream made me think about Anabel. I wonder how many people she has spent time with that she didn’t actually like. When I see her, she seems happy — but sometimes unaware of her surroundings. If I were to see her again, I wonder how she would act.
I know I love her deeply — mostly because she never judged me, even when others did.
And here I go again, right? Caring about what others think. But maybe I’m not caring — maybe I’m just reflecting.
We were given cards in class to write to a stranger — words of encouragement to help them keep going. Instead, I wrote to myself. To the version of me who might feel unsure one day. Maybe that was selfish. But maybe it was necessary.
I thought about storing it in my website email… but maybe I should rethink that. I need to leave it somewhere I can always find it. Somewhere safe. I made a new book for it.
I titled this particular entry “Be Careful” because I know I haven’t reached the finish line yet. I’m grateful for more time to study. I’ll study on the plane. Then I’ll rest. Then I’ll study more when I get to the new hotel. I’m going to give this everything I have — and I won’t care what others think.
I realize I can’t trust everyone. Shervy tells me this often. He seems to dislike people, wanting nothing to do with them. Sometimes I think he’s just protecting himself. Maybe he’s been hurt so many times that shutting people out feels safer. Who knows.
I’m getting sleepy now. I pray for thirty minutes of rest. I pray for sweet sleep on the plane. I pray they give me headphones this time — I remember asking twice on the last flight and never receiving them. I didn’t even realize that bothered me until now.
Just now, I said out loud, “I don’t care about people anymore.” That wasn’t true. I care deeply. I just need to be wiser about who I give access to.
Even Jesus was let down by His disciples at His greatest time of need. He had followers — but not all of them understood Him. He could have walked alone, but He chose connection. He retreated when He needed to speak directly with You. He didn’t let outside noise overpower Your voice.
When I speak to You, sometimes it feels like my prayers are filled with chatter. I’m not always still enough to hear You clearly. But I notice You speak to me in quiet moments — through people, through observations, through stillness.
So I will be still.
Talk to me, Father. I want to listen. I want to do Your will.
Help me be careful about who I give access to.
Protect me from all evil.
Calm my mind.
Quiet the chatter.
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