The new month enters. I’m… not better. I still have significant work to even get to okay. We will see what this month brings.
But before I get there… I just want to say… I know this is maybe an argument to have but recently reading through some comic book discussions… I realized that I am a romantic soul. Not like the deluded people that say “I want what Joker and Harley had!” because I am one of the first to start screaming, angrily, that what they had was an abusive relationship and there is no reading of their relationship that is not Joker actively harming Harleen the entire time. But more the Victor Fries type. Including the disastrous co-dependency element. Because without Nora- what is Victor? The version of the character used in the BTAS and Arkham Series… the one who has dedicated his life to researching cures for her illness to the point of obsession and crime. WHO IS VICTOR without Nora? Because in a weird, fucked up, and very stupid way.... I think some of what I’ve been going through lately is a version of that. Deconstructing co dependency, maybe. WITHOUT my wife… Essen… Hermia… any legitimate hope of a romantic or sexual partner in my immediate future..... considering how many big life changes I’ve made in pursuit of “being a husband and a father” only to wind up where I have.... Who am I without that? Which… also explains why a lot more of my inner musings have centered around feeling like a failure. Because I could handle the fucking terrible bullshit at work better if I knew that it was in service to the other goal. I have no interest in being “the best attorney”… I never have. An honest part of selecting the specialization and job I did was because it was supposed to be one of the most Family Friendly Scheduled jobs an attorney could grab. No Private Clients and weird hours. Court room is open, you work. Court room is closed, you probably won’t be working. A few nights and weekends every once in a while, but rarely. At least- that’s what it is supposed to be. When you work in a functioning county. When you are properly staffed. When the system isn’t in full catastrophic self-destruct-mode. But.... no wife or kids to disappoint with the bullshit hours. Which is, of course, why that’s an issue that feeds back in on itself. I’m upset about working the weird, the long, and the offensive work. I’m upset about being a one-stop shop for every Pro Se fucking nut job in a 600 mile radius. And the fact that I don’t have anyone in my life who is also upset, weirdly, makes me more upset. Because that means I’m going through all this bullshit and it isn’t even for anybody. It isn’t to support a family or to make sure we have enough money that my partner doesn’t have to work or.... anything. It’s just another reminder. Life sucks. You’ve failed at the primary evolutionary goal of your species. And according to most societal acceptability factors- you’re an absolute loser. Enjoy your misery and toil. Who is Victor without Nora? Just a nut in a suit without purpose.
(1) RESOLUTION CHECK
(A) Address and complete at least 12 things from the House List
So, I did do a rug doctor carpet cleaning in February which I will count towards the house work. Other items I can/should consider getting scheduled in March
- Door Locks
- Redemption/Recylcing
- Chimney Sweep & Inspection
(B) I will not purchase alcohol while I am working on a show
RE: I was successful in January and I failed in February. I know it is a shitty excuse but the month I’ve had there was honestly… I was using my willpower and my spirit for surviving and not physical harming people. I will try again for March and give it my earnest all.
(C) Record what I read and aim for 12
RE: Like I said when I set this goal, I am considering the scripts I am working with but I can only consider them ONCE. So, yes. Technically, I read THE COTTAGE a lot in January. I have read Sweeney Todd for February. Frankly, I’m struggling mightily with some of the memorization so I will be reading it a lot in March as well… but I will also try to get one of my 8 To Be Read Books finished this month, as well.
The Cottage by Sandy Rustin
Sweeney Todd by Sondheim & Wheeler based on a book by Christopher Bond
(D) EARNEST ATTEMPTS AT SOCIALIZATION
RE: Now, this one wasn’t a resolution per se; but an acknowledgment of my dead, dead, dead, dead social life. Nobody visits me. NOW… nobody visited my ass in January… nobody at all… but since The Cottage cast was more social, at least rehearsing and putting on that play felt like having a social life! I did hang out with the cast a little bit in February; and I did have 2 “Fate Core” games with my friends on the East Coast in February. So… “a dinner with cast mates” and “cyber-connecting with 3 other dudes twice” was the entirety of my social calendar for February. And while it honestly didn’t do much for my now seeming-perpetual feelings of loneliness - it is at least something. It’s funny. March is “Spring Break” month but even when that meant something to me, it never meant trips or time with friends. Which… I’m guessing is honestly how I got to be like this. If you can’t make or keep friends when you’re in school with them… you’ve got no fucking shot when you’re an adult.....? It doesn’t help much that the Theater crowd is getting younger. Sweeney Todd isn’t “mostly under 25” like Beauty and the Beast was but I can confidently say without blushing that the majority of the case is either under 30 years of age or.... not great people for social connection due to their connections with Hermia. And, as these pages describe in detail, the dating apps are becoming 80% self-torture, 10% enjoying the beauty of women in surrounding states; 5% horror show; 3% old exes or current criminal defendants; and 2% who interact in any way at all. SO… it isn’t exactly positive for this Socialization Attempt but is still something I will make sure to keep everyone very well apprised of.
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