I actually tried to get a lot done today so wasn’t on here much. Other than the usual “work bullshit” including another three page hand written letter explaining to me how I am the devil incarnate because the Constitution “permits every naturally born citizen the freedom to travel and therefore; any restrictions on such travel violate the Constitution whereby the County Attorney’s Office is guilty of false imprisonment, coercion, extortion, and various civil violations that said FREEMAN Defendant is willing to waive remuneration thereof should the County Attorney’s Office abide by their oath of service to the Constitution and dismiss the unlawful, unconstitutional traffic ticket illegally served upon FREEMAN Defendant who acts here as representative of listed Defendant and not as DEFENDANT in name and corporation.”
I don’t need to see more of those conspiratorial aggressive insane fucking moronic people. Ever again. I could go my entire life without hearing another completely braindead person confidently assert aspects of law they could not be less correct about. I could live for 1000 years after perforating my eardrums this very second… and still have encountered, experienced, been subjected to more of that moronic, idiotic, Dunning Krueger exemplifying shitty nonsense than most lifeforms throughout all of time. It genuinely, honestly threatens the last bastions of my sanity to constantly deal with people like that. It genuinely is difficult to deal DAILY with people screaming “You’re a racist! You’re Satan! You’re violating my rights! You’re breaking the Constitution! I know more about law from sovcitscam.xxx.cf.doc than you learned in law school!! I watched a video from the NAACP that says I don’t have to listen to the cops EVER so I can’t wait to sue your white racist ass personally for prosecuting this racist-ass traffic ticket!” THAT being part of my daily life.... fucking gets to me.... and I’m unwilling to accept criticism suggesting that the fact that it gets to me shows weakness or failure on my part. There’s a REASON why the other attorneys in my office and even some of the District Court Judges tell me “Wow, I could never do your job. ESPECIALLY not for as long as you’ve done it!”
SO… now that people making around $200k and are actual JUDGEs are sharing thoughts like that..... yeah… maybe I need to reach out and see if I can’t secure therapy. Because.... if you can’t build relationships… if you can’t create healthy atmospheres to stay sane.... and if your job is a constant threat to your sanity....... you have an obligation to take proactive steps there!!
So maybe after taking the dog to the dog park; before I get drunk and try to lose the world via video games and anime and other distractions.... maybe I look back into Betterhelp?? Or at least see if Better Help can recommend a local therapist I could actually go to in person? Though I’ll admit I’m not… dedicated to that course of action. I mean, I have had more therapists quit on me than a sitcom would say is believable. And so much of it? Because I intellectualize. Because I have experience. Because I know the generic therapy techniques. Because I see and deal with the kind of crazy they intentionally avoid on a daily basis. Because a therapist saying, “Now, have you taken your burden to God?” makes me want to punch them and a therapist saying, “Okay, when you feel overwhelmed, count backwards from ten and name 5 things you can see in your vicinity” makes me want to verbally eviscerate them. Because I do not need another Talk Therapy Therapist that says, “Okay, lets talk about your problems whatever problem pops into your head first.” because clearly as a ruminator, I don’t need help doing that… I need help dealing with it. And in a profession apparently overwhelmingly staffed by Bachelor’s Degree holding Social Workers as opposed to Doctorate Degree holding Psychoanalysts .... as aggressively as I can say this… if I outsmart you in two sentences or know more about mental health diagnostics than you do.... I do not want and cannot have you as my “mental health professional.” So… I’m a little gun shy. But… clearly need some help.
Because ruminating isn’t leading to solutions. And never has. Ruminating just led to… realizing the marriage was never going to work. Ruminating just led to… realizing the Cule had come to the end of their use for me. Ruminating just led to… realizing that controlling behavior from a blind woman isn’t “understandable due to the conditions” but is still “unacceptable because that isn’t a health relationship dynamic”. Ruminating has only ever led to me realizing that things aren’t working. Its never actually led me to something that does work. And I’m too old, I’m too tired, I’m too burnt out.... to keep spending energy on realizing what isn’t working while never finding what is.
Just as a calendar marker?
1- Nala loved the dog park and wanted to stay for 2 hours, lol.
2- but more so........ the same week Hinge recommends my nightmare abusive ex? Guess what– Nancy commented on my Facebook! I mean… it wasn’t anything big. Just commenting on a picture of Nala but.... I don’t hear from her for years and then… this week Nancy comments… I know it is only coincidence but… book ends, eh? Past failures, past nightmares, things spiraling… makes sense.
Loading comments...