Sincerely Monday, August 29, 2005
I have to write this down. I have to get it out. It's bouncing all over inside my head and it won't stop. There is this deep inside feeling of hopelessness inside me when it comes to C. There is absolutely no way for me to believe that this is real. I sincerely don't believe that this is real.
Nothing makes sense. There is no reason for him to like me for more than just a friend with benifits. I can't offer him anything. I don't have money, I don't have fame, I don't have beauty, and I don't have an education further than High school. All that I can offer him is love and sex. I don't believe that that is enough.
I have to say this. The day I find out that C is just using me for sex is the day I officially quit dating. It will be the last straw. I will give up completely. I will fall down to my knees, beg God to tell me why, and my heart will never be used for love again. I promise this to you, me, and God. I can not take being used again. I can't mentally handle being rejected because I am not pretty enough, or I am not smart enough, or I am not good enough, or I am just plain, "Not Enough."
Every time I think about the thought of losing C I get sick to my stomach. Then I get angry. Through all the men I have dated that leave me for other women, I can't imagine it not happening. I can actually picture the conversation between C and I when he confesses his true feelings to me. And the sad part is, when he tells me I am completely calm to him and I just walk away accepting it with out any denial. I picture myself already knowing and half tempted to say "thank you" to him for the good things he did. At least I felt special for 2.5 dates right?
I am concerned because we didn't really talk today. I know it's because he went to Indiana so he's tired. I know this. However, because of my past I am left thinking "He went to Kentucky to be with the girl he really loves." I am a mess.
I just want to repeat one more time. If this relationship between C and I fail, for any reason, it will be my last relationship ever. If he breaks it off with me, it will be my last rejection from a man. I will completely give up, and I may kill myself.
Sincerely,
Her
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