I can't hold on forever in 2014

12:12am

Wow, I haven’t been up this late in a while. Or at least not writing up entries. I can barely remember the days when I ever even started entries before midnight. hah. Those good ol’ crazy late nights.

The sleep hasn’t been going so well. I’ve picked up this nasty habit of waking up in the wee hours of the morning, usually around 3am, and not being able to fall back to sleep. I’m so tired during the day that I’ve been passing out around 11 o’clock, but then doing the early morning thing. This morning I was up a bit before 6am and laid around in bed for an hour, or more, before falling back asleep.

I’d like to be one of those people who can just get up at that hour and start their day but I know that I’d be even more exhausted than usual. I’m not even sure what’s been going on because I’m not usually like this. I’ve had my insomnia troubles but they almost always consisted of me staying up absurdly late [hence the aforementioned entries]. I can’t remember a time where I’ve had issues with waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. Perhaps there’s too much on my mind. I let it start to wander and then I’m screwed on trying to get it to stop.

Oh well. I’ll figure it out soon enough. Most nights I’ll eventually get up and go to the bathroom [because once you start thinking about having to pee it just never goes away hah] and then I turn on the TV for a bit. I’m catching up on all my late night nick-at-night reruns. :-)

Things are still busy at work. It’s basically only two projects that I’m working on but they were so far behind that I have like 10 months of work to catch up on in the next few weeks. It doesn’t help that JR keeps showing up with more stuff and I can’t seem to keep everything organized. Like one week I’ll have everything in order and then something happens and I organize the new papers in a different way. I really just need to set up a box and keep everything nice and labeled. It’s hard when everything is so mixed up and so confusing. He doesn’t even know what half the stuff is and that makes it twice as difficult.

He was in the office today for a couple hours. He was actually outside in the parking lot, standing by his truck, when we pulled up a little before noon. They had to make phone calls and I had a ton of papers to catch up on. It’s easier when he’s there because then I can ask the questions and put the stuff together without having to make lists and separating it all.

I got him in big trouble because right at the end I mentioned something and he excused himself to go outside. I thought he was just going to check on his dog, or take a phone call, but then he comes back and drops a booklet in front of me. It pretty much held a huge source of information that I’ve been asking him about for weeks. He never even thought to bring it in! ugh It doesn’t hold all the answers but it was certainly helpful and it got me closer to where I’d like to be.

He was pretty much kicked out of the office after that. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. He gets all stressed out and that makes me stress out. I’m totally invested in this thing right now and I know I shouldn’t do that but it’s too late. I like watching people succeed and I definitely don’t want to be a part of anyone’s failure. So he’s going to make it whether he likes it or not. hah. But every once in a while I’m going to yell at him, and kick him out of my office [multiple times in a row], and tell him that I can’t stand to be near him. All in a very pretend manner, but don’t tell him that because today he said I could be intimidating and I’d like to keep it that way. Maybe then he’ll listen to me when I tell him to do things. =)

The thing that’s weird for me, you know other than his strange relationship history with people I know, is that he’s totally one of those guys who notice stuff. Like even before he had this breakup, he was mentioning things about me that I didn’t think anyone would ever notice. And of course there’s this huge part of me that has always wanted someone to notice so I enjoy the attention. But it doesn’t feel the same.

It makes me think about the way you want something that maybe doesn’t make sense to have. It’s right there but suddenly I’m not interested in having it. Or it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would. So maybe it’s the way you wanted it to happen, or the person you wanted it to happen with, that made all the difference.

I don’t really want to get into all that. Just makes you think. I guess.

At some point he was sitting at my desk and would occasionally show me pictures on his phone. He was probably bored and needed a distraction after I told him to stop pacing on my floor. But yeah, he asked if I was into DIY type projects and showed me a picture of a wine barrel that seemed to have a light inside and was glowing in different patterns. As if someone had drilled the holes and lit it up. It looked really nice [I think he thought I was kidding when I said so. I’m not very good at being enthusiastic..]

Apparently the people were making and selling them so they didn’t actually have instructions to do them yourself. We decided it wouldn’t be too hard. Probably similar to carving a pumpkin. Drawing a pattern and punching out the holes. I showed it to Mom since we have a barrel sitting in the backyard that we can’t decide what to do with.

Anyway, several hours later, we were at home having dinner [just Mom and I, not JR. ha]. I was sitting at the table, Mom was in the kitchen somewhere, and I don’t remember how it came up, but we were talking about the barrel project. I must have mentioned I liked it, or something. And out of nowhere she goes, “I bet CK could make it.”
Wait…say again?

I pretended not to have heard her, maybe I just wanted to double check for my own sanity, and asked who she was talking about. She said his name again, I confirmed with a last name [we know a lot of people w/that first name] and yes she was definitely talking about CK.

This came as a shock to me mostly for a couple reasons: she seemed to flip her opinion of him in recent months, no doubt brought on by my late night hangout sessions with him. And she never says things like that even though she knows he’s into all that project stuff. Like we talk about all sorts of things that I think he’d be really good at and she always seems to purposely avoid mentioning him at all.

So in response I, kinda accidentally, mumbled something about, “Yeah, too bad he’s not talking to me.” She jumped on it right away. “Why not? What happened?” I told her that she saw how he acted the other day and she goes, “But you guys were talking a lot with those text messages. What did you do to him!??” As if I’d damaged the poor kid. I asked her why she thought I did something to him, but she didn’t really respond and the conversation was dropped.

Seriously though. I didn’t do anything to him. Why is it my fault that we’re not talking right now? And why does this suddenly feel different from all the other times that we stopped talking? It hasn’t really been that long. A month maybe? The whole thing feels like something is wrong though. I’m sure it has a lot to do with all the weird vibes he was giving off the other night. But I don’t know. I’m so confused.

I’m starting to yawn now, so that’s a good sign. I should try to see if I can sleep and hopefully stay that way until later in the morning. I have plans to hang up Christmas lights tomorrow even though it still doesn’t feel like that time of year. Some thing’s off about the season, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. On the plus side, we have been getting a good deal of rain the last few days. We definitely needed that! So yay for grey clouds and water in the skies! At least that’s good for the soul.

rose.
12:53am

Last updated December 23, 2014