I really just want to sleep.
I don’t understand why I can’t when I’m so tired and worn out.
It doesn’t help that hearing Jacob sleep irritates me.
I’m such a terrible partner, I’m not entirely sure why he chooses to be with me. I am extremely jealous, and insecure. We fight a lot, mostly because I resent a lot of things that seem really petty.
I’m really good at sabotaging relationships and I’m really afraid of doing that to this one.
I hate that someone like me had kids. I feel bad that they have me as their mom instead of someone better.
As a result of being so worn down all the time, I have little patience sometimes. Not a great thing when one has a two year old. He’s not even a “bad” kid, he just doesn’t understand how to be gentle with the baby sometimes. I constantly redirect. I get so tired. I am so tired.
Today (well I guess it was yesterday now), I vacuumed, laundry, and other light cleaning. Got some things from Ikea yesterday. Had to finish some last minute shopping at the mall. It was really exhausting but at least that’s done.
My sister and her boyfriend were here and I went to ihop with them for awhile. It was the first time Jacob had her by himself. Both kids by himself. He looked frazzled when I came back.
He also doesn’t understand the concept of “default parent” and seemed insulted when I said it was me. But it is, completely. I’m constantly spouting commands at (okay, more like gently asking) him to do some things. Cannon would never get his teeth brushed or get a bath if I don’t do it or ask for it to be done.
But we all have shortcomings. Mine is planning and executing meals. I could do way better. I used to and then stopped when I became pregnant the second time.
I really wish I would stop writing about these things. It irritates me that I complain so much and seem to have a “woe is me” attitude but I am really just venting.
I’m tired of yoga pants, man.
I might put real effort into myself tomorrow but I have a feeling I’m going to be too tired…
My baby is five months old, I’m not sure why that is happening so quickly. I constantly hug and kiss them because they are growing sofast and it feels like they will be grown-up before i realize it and I’m not ready and omg I’m going to cry. I just love them so freaking much. If there is one aspect of parenting that I’m good at, it’s always letting them know I love them, without conditions.
I feel crazy, but at least they will always know that I love them.
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