lack of feelings in 2014

11:58pm

I wanted to write a few different things but mostly I’m tired. And I just realized it was much later than I thought. [darn catching up on old pb entries!] The tired thing though. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I seem to be falling back into all these old places that remind me of when I was fresh out of high school. Not sure what it is, but I really don’t like it. It makes me all depressed and sad. I’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to move away from the person I was back then. I didn’t like her much. She wasn’t the best possible version of herself. So it hurts to feel like I’m going back there again.

My optimism and motivation to change are super low right now too. Like it’s so much easier to just stay right here in this headspace and I don’t want to put any of the effort in to try. I feel like maybe there’s something going on internally but I can’t figure it out. The health front has been relatively okay lately. I mean, I’m not feeling horrible amounts of pain in my legs and they don’t bother me nearly as much as they did before. But there’s still little things here and there. Things that are changing that kinda freak me out. I just want my body to be normal for once and it seems to really hate the idea of ever doing that.

Also, I’m kinda horrible at being a human. I’ve begun to realize that I’m pretty unsympathetic [is that a word??] about situations. Like people die and I don’t know what to say. Of course that comes from a long list of childhood memories and life dealings, but that’s not a very good excuse. Plus I’m bad at coming up with things to say when people are dealing with broken hearts. Maybe it’s because I’ve never truly experienced one [in the in-love heartbreaking sense of the word]. Or because I can’t imagine being so into someone that I would just let them hurt me and continue to hurt me even after they’re gone.

I don’t know. The crazy part is that I’m actually super empathetic/sympathetic in my every day life. I have large amounts of that stuff to give out, even to complete strangers, but I can’t seem to come up with anything when it’s people I know.

The reason I’m saying all this is because of what happened today. So JR shows up at the office, stacks of paper and all that good stuff. He takes a break part way through and goes next door for some coffee. I go to the restroom and he’s standing there when I get back, all solemn looking. Which really isn’t that different because he tends to get overwhelmed and start to shut down. But the first thing he says to me is that I’d never believe the awkward situation he was just in. He goes on to tell me that his ex and her mother had walked into the coffee shop. They didn’t see him until they were right up next to him and then he didn’t know what to do. Her mother said hi and she didn’t say a word [I heard later that she’d actually acted annoyed at running into him, like it was somehow his fault they showed up there at the same exact time!]

There were no words though. I tried to distract him with questions but I could tell he was shutting down. I told him to take a break but he wanted to finish. I’m not even sure I said I was sorry for him having to go through that. He told me their anniversary was supposed to be on Friday and I made comments about how the world likes to do things like that to you. But I didn’t say anything comforting or even all that funny. I doubt he’d laugh but I could have tried. I just didn’t know what to say at all and so I sat there and tried to keep him from dwelling. =\

It seemed like he wanted to talk about it too but I couldn’t. To be honest, maybe a part of it is that I’m actually trying to keep this as a business relationship. He thinks we’re friends and I don’t want to mix friendships with business. Especially not while we’re sitting in the office. [because obviously I don’t have any problem driving out to your house in the middle of the night for a couple beers....]

Even now though, I can’t think of anything I would have said differently. He needs to deal with this and I don’t want him relying on me too much for this sorta thing. There are all these lines that I don’t want to cross with him. That’s probably the biggest reason for my reaction, even if it did make me come off as a jerk.

Ah well. The wind is picking up outside. We have to work tomorrow and sleep is always calling my name. Some changes need to be made in my life, soon, so that I can’t [<–hah! “can*” oh subconscious, you silly thing....] stop feeling all these feelings.

rose.
12:20am

Last updated December 20, 2014