Delusion Tax. in Other life events.

I’m taking a break from dieting and gym over Christmas, mainly to the lack of gym since no-one wants to go over Christmas and i can’t be bothered with jogging in the rain and cold, morale is low to be fair.

I’m expecting gains of around 15lbs after Christmas, anything under that is a bonus, going from next to no calories to “Christmas calories” is going to damage me i think, but I’ll just need to get back on track after it.
Mum was ordering all the Christmas stuff today for around £90 but £30~ of that was alcohol, i don’t know if i expressed my mothers battles with being an alcoholic when i was growing up, she quit binge drinking when i was around 19 or 20, but i always cringe at the idea of her being abusive physically or verbally, it’s not like i haven’t gained a thick skin to it after the years, but having such a long time with “peace” has been something i’ve gotten used too.

Car hasn’t moved along much, i found two holes hiding in my rear quarter panel and got the engine bay in primer finally, so it’s almost ready to be painted once i finish the front end off. That’s about it for the car however, can’t comment on it much because Sean is neglecting the unit for his girlfriends hypochondriac needs of going the doctors every day.
Still no sight or sound of Rachel yet, still kind of nonchalant about that but it does kinda crop up in my mind once a day and remind me how useless and unreliable people can be, i find it hard to trust peoples words because of stuff like this.

At least i have World of Warcraft and Adam and Syrina (the auto-correct trying to tell me to spell it “Syrian” is putting a smile on my face) to talk to every day since idle hands are the devils work and it stops my mind wandering. I was really excited for Christmas this year and then i remembered all the problems that come along with it. The drinking of my mother, spending it alone as usual. I always feel like my Christmas’s are not the “Ideal” Christmas that everyone dreams of, my family are dis-associative and its normally just me and my mother; who i clearly don’t want to be around so i normally spend it sitting in my room.

I suppose we will all complain about stuff at some point, i still have more than some get at Christmas so i guess its Selfish to complain, i just find it a lonely experience when a couple of years ago everyone was friends and i found myself buying for 20+ people and now I’m buying for less than 10.
I think i just need a little positive reinforcement, i guess I’m not holding others in high regard at the moment since people seem so distant which simply makes me want to push people even further away. I feel like I’m delusional when it comes to friendship, i hold people with such high regards and consistently tell myself people are trying their hardest when in reality i have no idea what they really think of me; for all i know I’m right in thinking I’m always going to be sloppy seconds because there is “nothing better to do”.
People would consider it odd that i consider Adam my best friend now, i’ve only met him 3 times in real life and he lives on the other side of the country; but he’s never let me down and i’ve known him for as long as some of my oldest friends.

I guess I’m just glum and disappointed in myself not to mention some people at the moment, i guess i can’t put it into words. I guess it’s all down to Anxiety as per usual and how can you explain anxiety/depression? I guess it’s like trying to explain the orange, all you can say is “It’s orange” There is no real definition to it; i can’t describe the emotions i feel. I’m trying not to let it show though, it’s the holidays and nobody wants my negative attitude this time of year.

**Paying your delusional tax
Everybody’s rich, we’re good to go
everyone lives on top of the world

and you just want your desires fulfilled
and you’ll pay any price to decide your future
although the road you paved won’t look so grand
you’ll go beyond the pain so you can get ahead

so you will make payments for those filthy delusions
with all the dirty money you have.**