I am writing this entirely from my phone- which I hate doing. I prefer a keyboard which is an interesting personal quirk that will forever date me. Because for the vast majority of human history “a proper keyboard” would have had no meaning at all! Then we get typewriters and the template is set - - then we have proper keyboards for computers briefly before touch screens and phones become the default standard. So, having an active strong preference for communicating “using a proper keyboard” really sets a specific time frame!
Wow… so… that whole paragraph I just wrote? Legitimately helped me calm down. Which is interesting to note.
I wrote that paragraph while watching “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” which is a movie I enjoy and is VERY dialogue heavy. And apparently that combination is what I needed to shake me out of my emotional issues. Which has to be a symptom of something diagnosable! If I focus on something unemotional (history of communication) while distracted by a dialogue heavy film with a complicated plot (nouveau noir w/Shane Black at the helm)… then my emotional bullshit goes away. Which sounds less like “it resolves itself” and more like “a proper distraction will allow your brain the opportunity to focus on something else.” Which tracks. These pages prove over and over and over again that I tend to hyperfocus on issues because I want to process and solve shit. When… traditionally, it would seem “processing my shit” and “solving my problems” aren’t exactly in my wheelhouse, apparently!
Because the two or three things I had originally come here to say?
1) I was realizing that I was really missing the last show. So, I was sitting in that trying to figure out why. Especially as I am currently IN a show… what are the specific elements that make the situation so different? Well, obviously there are a lot of differences but what are the specific ones impacting this unique thought process? Well, it does need to be said that a MUSICAL is a much larger cast; and that there are a lot less opportunities to really act… lose yourself in a character that is caught up in something in the play. Frankly, my biggest “role” is “Remember that you’re neither harmony nor melody and try to get all of the flats and sharps at the right time.” But what are the big things that lead to this… emotional response?
(A) Because a musical is mostly just… choir practice… and dance practice… and then do that over and over. So, there aren’t a lot of opportunities to create characters and develop ideas and characters with other people. So, it genuinely is more “working with friends” in a play than a musical (at least if you’re ensemble.)
(B) So, I’m wondering… as I did during the play, actually… if’n it might actually connect more to the physical contact element. So, the play had… some elements of touching. Many plays do! Rubbing a back, shaking a hand, holding someone… visual shortcuts to demonstrate emotional or historical bonds so instead of the bullshit “Hello, my wife of 10 years with whom we have a happy relationship and many lovely children” it’s… man walks on stage, kisses his wife, hugs her to him, as they greet the children with hugs and hair tousles. And starting that play… the director would have to tell me “Okay, Chris- you’ve been having an affair for seven years- get closer to her!” and things of that nature. Until, of course, when we get to OPENING and performances… it’s all planned out and expected: “After your third line- you embrace her and hold her close. After Beau excuses himself, you join her on the couch and hold her to you. After William begs your wife’s forgiveness, she reflexively crosses to you and you hold her as she cries.” That shit. And uh… since that play ended? Since my life fell to WORK and ENSEMBLE.... the absolutely no actual human physical contact leaps out as a repeated drum beat of horror. And I know everyone has their own threshold for how much touch is too much and how much touch is enough to fill a need. I know that there are people who genuinely say (and even prove) that they don’t need so much as a simple handshake for months at a time. But I need a physical anchor. I think the “I needed those distractions to settle emotionally” from above reinforces the “Sometimes, physical touch is a sincere and genuine need” issue. And… returning to the NONE, NOTHING. NEVER is.... jarring and unpleasant.
Mixing that with the work load of this last week? Has done a significant and unpleasant number on me emotionally.
2) And that leads directly into Point 2: The only people in my life who have reached out to me to see how I’m doing are people on Prosebox or Facebook. Nobody IRL. Nobody in my family. Nobody in my Day to Day. I even specifically made references online and in reality explicitly saying “So, my mask has slipped” and still.... what I’ve received were two text messages from people I’ve never met. One from a PB friend, one who is a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. And that second person texted me to literally say, “So- it seems like you’re going through something right now. Know that even though we aren’t close, I enjoy what you post. You can talk to me or whomever if you need to.” And that message fucking moved me deeply… because someone who doesn’t know me outside of what my online presence is- cared enough to say “Hey, I see your struggle. Keep going.” Then, of course, came the second realization. The struggle this seemingly stranger was easily able to recognize? That’s accessible to everyone else, too. In fact, people see more than this person. The people I actually interact with and genuinely see every day.... they know the toll shit is taking. They see my hair gray 30% in three months. They see my eyes sinking into my skull as less than 5 Hours of Sleep becomes a normal. They hear me as I lose my shit because I cannot do 16 trials a day WHILE AT THE SAME TIME having 14 Jury Trial hearings on the same day. This stranger saw, “Okay- you’re not all right.” and reached out. Whereas, apparently, everyone in my actual life either cares so little that they didn’t see it… or saw it and didn’t care enough to reach out… or saw it and cared enough to reach out but didn’t feel like they could for some reason.
And that… that just kind of feeds into the first point.
And that is a thought process that gets grabbed by my mind. Gets focus. Gets thoughts revolving around it. Gets me wondering… why am I the kind of person that doesn’t have other people? How is this the life I have? How has “dedicated husband in a miserable marriage” graduated into a man that doesn’t even have people in the real world?
Which is why.... writing about typewriters and keyboards while watching a movie with over 11,000 words and multiple murder/suicide plots… was needed to shake me out of it. At the time. But as I said- that isn’t dealing with it… that’s permitting myself to be distracted enough to stop thinking about it. But it still remains.
It is still true that… honestly… profoundly… deeply… if I was in a situation where I needed a hug? I do not have anyone I could count on. Even if I were in a situation where I could/would call somebody to ask for one.... there is no one that I could count on to actually acquiesce… and even my “Well, they’re family so…” wouldn’t be yes they will and even if they were, that would be… 90 to 120 minutes from “I’m breaking and I need help” to them showing up. Not fruitful thoughts. Just… that sinking understanding that… when I speak of loneliness it isn’t’ “There’s nobody to party with!” and it isn’t “There’s nobody to fuck!” and genuinely, earnestly falls into the territory of “There’s nobody to share moments with. Victory, failure, joy, pain… there’s nobody to share it with.”
Loading comments...