Dear God,
Yesterday was Fat Tuesday. There were beads, pizza, king cake, and a lot of alcohol. I didn’t indulge in everything — just the alcohol. I think I had about three shots, within my usual limit. I remember making an entry on here last night, but it was just rambling about how drunk I was.
I even called my mom and said, “Mom, I’m drunk. What do I do?” And I heard my dad yell in the background, “GO TO SLEEP!” So I did.
I went to bed around midnight — maybe closer to 1 AM. It’s now 5:22 AM. I woke up about twenty minutes ago. I probably should go back to sleep, but before I do, I took a warm bubble bath, put on clean pajamas, and got back into bed.
Last night I crawled into my roommate’s bed, talking nonsense. The moment she said, “Lundon, I don’t want to get mad but…,” I immediately left. I don’t want to upset her or create tension between us. I value peace in my living space.
Father, the real reason I’m praying is for discernment.
I need help making better decisions about people. I think about Iroc, Jillian, Amarya, my roommate — and I don’t always know what to make of situations. I know I should focus on my schooling and my drills, but this feels like a deeper life lesson about character and wisdom.
Amarya told me that Jillian and Allie said I was “a ditz” and that I “live in LA LA land.” Those words aren’t the worst, but they stayed with me. So last night I confronted them. I said, “I may never see you girls again, so I need to know the truth. What did I do to make you not like me? Do you think I’m a ditz?”
Jillian immediately asked, “Who said that?” That response confused me. It made me question everything — whether Amarya was telling the truth or not.
Allie was kind. She spoke gently and said she cared about me. She even admitted she fakes confidence sometimes and is just winging it. That honesty meant a lot. Jillian, on the other hand, made a comment about not dealing with “weak” people. I don’t know what to make of that.
Lord, help me understand people’s hearts without becoming paranoid. Help me see clearly without assuming the worst.
I also think about Iroc. I don’t know where he stands in my life. I don’t know if he’s meant to help me or if I need to step away. I don’t know what his intentions are. I don’t want to over-spiritualize things, but I also don’t want to ignore nudges You may be giving me.
And my drills… I should have studied more last night. I feel slightly hungover and have a small headache, but I took medicine. I want to do well. I want to be disciplined. I don’t want to waste time or make careless decisions.
I want discernment.
I want wisdom.
I want balance.
I don’t want to miss out on experiences, but I also don’t want to compromise my growth.
Right now, I know the healthy thing is probably to go back to sleep. So I will.
Please guide me. Help me make sound decisions. Help me learn every lesson I’m meant to learn without fear, insecurity, or confusion clouding my judgment.
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