Day 1 – Will admits straight away that he doesn’t like the look of Bob. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Tabby is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Simon later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 – The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Lewis creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Lindsay hits him with a Knife.
3 – The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother – they must make a model of St Pauls cathedral out of Spagetti. After much persuasion by Lewis, they gamble 50% of next week’s food budget on completing the task.
4 – Training for the St Pauls cathedral task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Simon, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Spagetti. Lindsay is furious.
5 – Today is the day when the St Pauls cathedral task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Simon farts and blows St Pauls cathedral over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Bob cries.
6 – Lewis gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 – Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Bob admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Knife. Will says he never wears condoms because they make his dick sore and Lewis agrees. Tabby goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they’re all boring heterosexual bastards. Simon sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Lewis.
8 – Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Will goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they’re the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Lindsay and Bob are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Will.
9 – Lindsay and Bob are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Tabby sings them a song – Angels – to make them feel better.
10 – The public vote Bob out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Bob leaves.
11 – Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Bob’s departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week’s failed task. Tabby has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Lindsay is visibly depressed and is comforted by Lewis, who tries to touch her on her Vagina.
12 – The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Lewis touching Lindsay’s Vagina over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 – The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Simon refuses to run because his dick hurts a bit.
14 – Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Simon finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they’d never have done it. Lindsay calls Simon a lazy dick.
To be continued…
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