I’ve done my time in tech support and have managed to live through some very weird calls, but this one was the best. An older lady bought a brand new desktop system with all the extras and had been using it for about a month when she got an error about an “illegal function.” She took apart the whole system down to the hard drive and hid it in different parts of her house, called us, and wanted to know how much longer she had until the police were going to come get her. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time on the phone putting the system back together.
I work as a computer tech at a community college. Most of our computers are currently running Windows 95. One day, an officer from our security department stopped by to talk to me. His face looked grim. He pulled me quietly aside.
Officer: “We have a new part time person working in our office who uses the computer, and I have to ask you something, but you need to keep this confidential.”
Me: “Ok, what’s the problem?”
Officer: “Well, over the past two or three days I’ve glanced over at the new person’s computer, and several times I’ve seen a message that says ‘You have performed an illegal operation,’ but he keeps clearing it by clicking something. I need to find out what he’s doing wrong and if we should call the local police.”
He looked so scared and serious, I had a hard time containing my laughter.
One of my users recently came into the workforce and is literally terrified of her computer. Each sound it makes be it from the speaker or random drive noises causes her to flinch and turn pale. She sits at a custom-built wraparound desk surrounded by her computer, the switchboard, an electric typewriter (she hates that too), and the postal meter. In order to point at the screen I have to stand directly behind her chair.
She was having great problems with the telecoms software convincing herself that she really had downloaded the file. In order to demonstrate that the “dir” command would show her that her files really were in the directory I chose the c:dos directory to use it on.
When the dozens of filenames flickered down the screen she was so panicked that she thrust her chair backwards crushing me between the chair and the typewriter.
To simplify things, I installed Windows 95 and demonstrated how to move files from the folder to the trash can. Later I wandered by her desk and noticed a forest of icons surrounding her trash can. She hadn’t managed to hit it once.
I work for a nationwide ISP, doing overnight technical support. A man who had immigrated from Croatia called to ask us, in his thick eastern European accent, mind you, why we were kicking him offline.
Customer: “Why do you guys keep kicking me offline?”
Tech Support: “Can you hold on a moment while I look at your account logs?”
Customer: “Sure, but please hurry.”
Tech Support: “Ok.” … “Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like our servers are reporting that either your modem is hanging up like a normal disconnect, or the connection is just being lost. This is usually attributed to line noise. I’d advise you get in touch with–”
Customer: “No, that is not what it is!”
Tech Support: “Well, that would normally be the first place I’d look. The modems are just losing touch with each–”
Customer: “All right. Apparently they do not tell you everything there. What I’m trying to look at are some Croatian newspapers to keep up with what’s going on in my old country. The government did not like me when I was there and they do not like me being in touch with my family and events there today.”
Tech Support: “Sir, the government there cannot disconnect you from the Internet here. You are in the United St–”
Customer: “My government was very powerful. They can do lots of things you would never imagine.”
Tech Support: “I’m sure in Croatia, the government would have the power to disconnect you from the Internet. The service providers are under their jurisdiction there. However, in America, there is nothing they could do to force our computers to knock you off line. You’re safe. I’m telling you, the first and foremost place I’d look is the telephone company to have them do what’s called a ‘data grade check’–”
Customer: “No, no, no. That is alright. I just wanted to know if you were doing it intentionally, or if it was them. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night.”
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
Also taken from Computer Stupidities
Will
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