I am in and out of a funk, and I really know that it’s up to me to get myself to a better place. So I listened to Tara Brach today (she is wonderful), and it really hit on something that’s at the heart of my funk right now, I think.
The talk was called “removing the barriers to love.” The central thing that she really focused on was how when we are in relationships with others, when we WANT things from them, we can’t genuinely be with them, and we can’t really love them.
This is definitely not a new idea to me. I actually remember having a really important conversation within my very first relationship and saying something about how “in real love, there is not wanting.” But it is especially pertinent to me at this moment in my life. When Tara said it, it hit me right to the core, and I realized, I really am wanting things from every person I know here. The biggest thing I am wanting from them is acceptance, and validation. I’m feeling pretty lonely from time to time, and I end up thinking pretty often about how I need to be different in order to get those things from people. It really keeps me from being present sometimes, and makes me end up feeling insecure and uncomfortable in situations that really don’t need to be. Tara is so wise!
So, I don’t know that I can just flip a switch and stop craving these things from people. I have specific memories at many points in my life of truly realizing how much I crave attention and affirmation, and why it’s a problem. But I think I know I need to work harder on presence from a place within my own space and time in my life. Listening to Tara Brach certainly isn’t a bad place to start.
Today is Saturday, as good a time as any to make a resolution. So here it comes: self improvement (two) weeks, Bolivia addition. (Wanna get in on this action, Katie?) From today, until January first, I’m going to meditate every day, and listen to Tara at least once a week. I seriously need some space in my life. And actually, my meeting with my mentor, Cathy, (a part of my Maryknoll experience) helped me to acknowledge that outwardly. She said something to the affect of how she’s noticed over her many many years living away from friends and family, living within the Maryknoll community, how important it is to make daily space to just sit, and be. Something I know, but something I need a lot of reminders and help to actually put into practice.
Oh being human is so hard and heavy sometimes. There is just SO MUCH WORK to be done on the road to becoming our best selves. And the heart can feel, SO damn much.
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