I am such a weird dark awful place at this moment, and it’s completely absurd.
Clarie is leaving on Saturday, and so tonight, we had her “despedida” or goodbye party. It was absolutely lovely. We had some nice hanging out time with a group from our community (though for most of that I was busy baking), and then we commenced with a reflection and blessing. The reflection was a time for anyone who wanted to to say something to her in gratitude or in blessing for the next stage of her life and the time that we shared. Also, we had been warned ahead of time, so we could bring a small gift that represented that thing, if we so desired.
This time was so thoughtful and precious, everyone recognizing different parts of what makes her beautiful. I was pleased to be able to recognize her and give her a gift.
And then people started leaving, but a few remained, and Claire and Allison began to play some music. This is something I have struggled with off and on over the time that they have both been here, but honestly, I was feeling fine. I was feeling just gratitude and love. I wasn’t having all that bullshit about feeling like a shadow, feeling dis-included, feeling like I’m not good enough to be able to share in their music making, etc. All the things I’ve struggled with during these past 3 months. All of the things that I’ve always struggled with when it comes to music. Feeling like an amateur, but loving nothing more in the world than singing, and wanting, so badly to be good enough, to be good enough to be invited to sing. To be invited to partake. To be included in the group of musicians. To be thought of as more than an amateur.
Claire and Allison and I have become friends over this time when Claire has been here, over a lot of positive shared experiences, expressing ourselves, and speaking honestly about who we are. I have admitted to them some of my insecurities and ego-thinking because I thought it would help me get past it, and have more genuine relationships with them. And I think it has.
So after all of this, I started to believe that them not including me was really just because of timing–Allison needing to spend all the time she could with Claire to record her album, and there not being much time for anything else. I tried hard to push away all of my self doubt. All of my self hate. All of my negative self-talk about being not good enough.
And as a result of that, I felt, when they were singing, it would be ok, even they would want me to join and sing harmony, as we have done together a few times. I had hesitation because I felt like it might be weird and attention seeking. But I heard someone else doing it to on a song and then I thought, it would be ok. And I know every song. I have heard them play them so many times. And Claire and I have played together at least once. Anyway.
So I did. And it seemed ok. It was fun. I was feeling good. I was feeling a little uncertain from time to time, but then thought more deeply about who Claire is, and who Allison is, and thought, they are loving, inclusive people, and would want me to share in this with them.
And then on the last song, David (a language student who has been here 5 weeks, and who I really do like as a person, and who will also start living here with me in a week) gently shushed me. And it all came crashing down. I stopped singing, and immediately started crying and couldn’t stop. Thankfully it was silent crying, so I don’t think I disrupted the moment too much. Hopefully everyone thought I was just moved.
From that moment, I got sucked into an endless downward ego spiral. I thought about how I was ruining this moment. I thought how everyone in the room was probably annoyed and thinking I was trying to be in the spotlight when it wasn’t my turn. I was thinking how everyone probably thought Claire and Allison are this duo, and I don’t get it, and I’m just trying to weasel my way in. I thought, “I am a shadow. I need to start accepting it.”
The downward spiral continued. I’m not a good musician. The way I play guitar is only functional, nothing more. My voice is mediocre and uninteresting, despite being able to carry a tune, and know how to write harmony. That’s not the same thing as having a unique, special sound.
I’ve never been and may never be the kind of song writer that makes people stop in their tracks, take a deep breath, and be only in that moment–inside the world of that song.
I’ve never been and likely never will be more than a chattering ego, whose strong opinions and willingness to be in the spotlight attract more attention than any actual talent or specialness would.
I’ve never been and never will be someone who makes anything of themselves creatively. I will likely continue to write and odd song or odd zine here or there, and for what? Because I am an artist? No. Because I have something worth saying and worth it for others to listen to? No. Because I crave attention? Exactly.
I am stopping the spiral right now and going to talk to Katie. There’s so much weird things behind all of this and most of it isn’t real. It will be ok.
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