Loops in The Wanderer

I have that craving to leave. I am getting claustrophobic here. I don’t see anything that lets me breath in my immediate future. Just stuffiness and anticipation. Don’t really know what I am waiting for. An education I suppose.
I don’t know what to do at this point.
I am kinda thinking of just sticking it out living with my parents for as long as possible and saving up money. That way I can travel more throughout the year. And focus on just school. Don’t know yet though. I definitely want out, but what am I going to do…jump from one form of stuffiness to another. I mean I enjoy my relationship with D but I don’t think I am really ready to live with him and I don’t know if I even want to. So many expectations as A Girlfriend. Especially Live-In Girlfriend. Sigh. And I don’t want to live with him just so I can -not- live with my parents. Both living situations are not ideal. Why not choose the less expensive one? Pressure to get out. Move along with my life. Do things. Have my own space I am proud of. But I don’t want to live with anyone! I want to just do my own fucking thing. Don’t ask me when I am coming home. Don’t expect things of me. Just doing my own thing. Why is it so difficult? I want to run.

Working two jobs has been stressful thus far and it has only just begun. Weird thing, this girl I used to work with at Marie’s who was one of my best friends until I started seeing this dude that she had seen awhile before I ever even started talking to him, and long after she had already moved to Utah......anyway she flipped out when she found out I was seeing him and started all sorts of drama with me including getting every one of her friends aka my coworkers to turn on me. It was shitty. But anyway, yeah her and her younger sister BOTH work at Chili’s with me. It was just like weird like she went and moved out of state and was pretty much about to get married …TWICE and left these guys and just ran back here to Cali and I was thinking how I pretty much did the same thing recently, and how we do have a lot in common. There isn’t any petty girl drama with us anymore, it’s more of a “Oh Hey How are you? Coooooool.” Just weird how things in my life seem to be on some sort of strange loop. Like I went backward in time and here I am. Same people, different restaurant. Four years later.
Anyway, I keep thinking....”I can seriously just leave. I can do it.” But then I remember I don’t have that fucking degree yet. And that -really- is the only thing stopping me. Because I am tired of running around without that one little thing. I can keep running around and experiencing life in all sorts of shapes and forms, but without that missing piece shit is always going to end up like THIS and one day I will probably get tired of running and running and will have nothing to settle with. And Lorrrrd knows I don’t want to be settling with a man. I want to settle with a DEGREE in my hand.
And I keep having these really strange dreams like there is something or someone that I am supposed to meet or talk to or something and it is so vague yet so real. I can’t explain the feeling. But it makes me anxious as I experience these feelings in my dreams, and wake up realizing I am missing something. Something really fucking important.
I just hope I find it wherever and whatever the hell it may be.