There's More to a Beating Heart Than Life Monday, June 13, 2005
How long has it been? Since my last entry like the one that slowly and painfully gets typed into this blog. It's too often. Way too often. Where I feel this overwhelming feeling of despair. Desparation is more like it. Where I could give up my sanity for just a fraction of feeling loved. I can feel my heart beating inside my chest right now. This very moment in time while others are getting ready for sleep, or getting ready for dinner, or maybe even getting ready to make love, I can sit here feeling my heart beat. No one else can. It is beating there inside me for no other reason except that if it didn't I would die. You would think that would be enough of a reason for me. However, it's not anymore. My heart needs to beat for love. Love. Love. Love.
I am having a few emotional problems lately. They seem to be getting worse. I am going to make a doctors appointment and see if I can get into some theorapy. There's something inside of me that wants out. I don't know what it is. I used to think it was PTSD from my brother's car accident. I used to think it was because of my ex Chris and the damage he did to my mind the day he pulled a knife on himself. I used to think it was my ex Kumbi and the day he held me down and told me in graffic detail about the 8 women he cheated on me with. I am beginning to think that it's everything. I don't know how to shut off my emotions. Everything painful repeats over and over again.
So lets bring it all together. I am scared to death to meet someone because of all the shit in paragraph 2. I want to meet someone so I can forget all of the things in paragraph 2. I need theorapy so that I can someday erase paragraph 2.
My last step of my make over. Theorapy. Then I can be an attractive, non-smoking, in shape, confident female that will allow herself to be loved and will love back unconditionally. It's going to happen.
Right?
Her
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Of course it's going to happen, b/c if you want something bad enough anything is possible. I can tell you really want this. You're taking the steps to get where you want to be, you should be proud of yourself. One day you'll find what you're looking for, I know it. [Solitary17] [p] 6/13/2005 2:22:48 AM
it happened for me. i work on it every day tho. but finally a time has come when i dont feel defined by all the shit that has happened to me. it can happen for you too. [Celtic Rayne] 6/14/2005 3:47:58 PM
Right. [JKD Student]
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