I helped a stranger on the internet change their mind about ending their own life two days ago. It was an all day interaction. High stress, calling authorities, messaging with others trying to help.
This person was a volunteer medic in Minneapolis, and watched Alex Pretti get murdered in front of her. She came home to California to hear the news that her best friend and devoted advocate for the homeless, Ms. Shirley had passed.
I did EVERYTHING in my power to help this person. For a period of SIX hours, they were silent, and we all feared the worst. I called 988 and asked for guidance. They told me we were doing all we could to help given the limited info we had.
Right before 11 p.m., she popped up and said she was alive.
The next day, my nervous system CRASHED, and I mean HARD. I had the kind of panic attack that causes you to wail silently, like you open your mouth to cry out, and nothing comes. My go to self soothing method is rocking. Sometimes, I wave my hands. I could not control my thoughts.
Rick was getting ready to leave for work. He tried to calm me down, but it was of no use. I motioned to him that I would be okay. He kissed the top of my head and left.
I had completely run out of spoons, in fact, I believe I was in the negative. Everything hurt. My head was pounding.
Social media is jammed full of very hurt people. With everything going on in the US right now, everyone is feeling anxious, scared, sad, and righteously angry. Those feelings have to go somewhere.
But for me, I have to give myself breaks from the onslaught of terrible images and so so many people threatening suicide. Sometimes, it is too much to bear. As a child sex abuse survivor, and survivor of an assault a little over two years ago, the constant barrage of Epstein Files releases and people posting about it is taking a TREMENDOUS toll.
I try to mitigate a balance between staying informed and keeping some semblance of calm, even if only for an hour or two.
Rick and I made an agreement that this weekend we would try to engage in calming activities. We went for a walk this morning and got to see a helicopter landing near our apartment, picking up cargo on a line and flying it to the top of a hill about 2 miles away. Back and forth. It’s still going on! A neighbor told us that they are moving equipment and tools from one rail maintenance project to another. And then BACK again.
I guess the city of Los Angeles felt it would be more financially prudent to hire a freaking helicopter crew, than just loading the shit on a flat bed truck.
I had great luck on Depop today, selling three items and making about a hundred bucks. A return customer on Poshmark bundled five lots from me, and will hopefully purchase today. That’s another hundred bucks. I took the three sales to the post office. The faster I ship, the sooner I get paid.
Anyway, we went into Pasadena for lunch, and passed a HUGE protest. It felt good to roll down the windows and hoot and holler our support, and honk our horn. Then we grabbed ramen.
Rick has been listening to Carl Jung quotes on You Tube in the car, and seems quite determined to follow his teachings. It has a lot to do with shadow work and healing. I am not sure how I feel about it for myself, but I am open.
Rick got free movie tickets, so we’re going to see the movie at seven. Tomorrow, we are going to see my friend Heidi in a play in Santa Monica, and my director friend K, who is Heidi’s boyfriend, will be there too. Should be a good time.
I hope everyone has a calm and restful weekend.
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